The Maid Did It!
by LoveHurtsLife
Summary: Integra's losing her sanity. Pip's playing with dolls. The Iscariot's moving in to the Hellsing Estate. Millennium's running a kissing booth in a carnival. Alucard's in love with...llamas! How did this happen! Well, the maid did it of course!
1. The Corpse in the Clock

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing**

**Title: "The Maid Did It!"****  
Summary: Integra's losing her sanity. Pip's playing with dolls. The Iscariot's moving in to the Hellsing Estate. Millennium's running a kissing booth in a carnival. Alucard's in love with...llamas?! How did this happen?! Well, the maid did it of course!  
Genre: Humor/Parody  
Pairing(s): YumikoxOC  
Rating: T**

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Order 1: The Corpse in the Clock

We all know how detentions in high schools work, right? You sit there for an hour or two after school (or during weekends) and you just...sit there! Doing nothing! Nada! Zero! Zilch! Well, the name's Matthew Wingates (Hellsing, not, lol), and you better remember that too! (cuz I'm special) The only things I wear are baggy pants, sandals, and Hawaiian shirts over plain, white shirts. I'm 19, my blood type's A, I'm a Scorpio, and I love Hellsing, Trinity Blood and Negima....but enough of me, back to the detention scene.

See that 18 year old girl standing next to me? Yeah, the one with the black hair (like mine), blue blouse, and boot-cut jeans. Got the image? Good...because I stalk her.

Hey! Don't run away, I'm not that dangerous! Alright, so sit you ass down on your computer chair and read what happens in the next chapters of this fan fiction...what, you wanna now how the fuck I got stuck here in detention? Let's all just say, to put it delicately, I did something in the locker room and got caught; that girl was involved, I mean INvolved. (let your imaginations go wild)

The rediculesly, large grandfather clock reads 3:11 now, in fact, it's been saying 3:11 for the past twenty years! No one has bothered to fix it...except me and the girl. She knows me, I know her, but we never speak to each other...up until now.

We stood on two chairs, my hands opened the face of the clock and we saw the gears. It was odd, they were moving! Tick! Tick! Tick! Like a time bomb...she stared at it before speaking to me,"Hand me the tool box over there....a screwdriver, the one with the pointed tip." I handed her what was requested but got no thank you.

"Why do you hate me?" I asked, the question completely answered itself when she glared down at me, her glasses nearly sliding off the bridge of her nose. "Luna?" She used her middle finger to push it up, it was also another way of giving people the finger without getting busted, and returned to her work.

"I think the issue is in the case," she stated as she got down and pushed away the two chairs. She slowly opened it and a rotted arm shot out, causing her to scream out,"OH SHIT NO!" Its owner was a decomposing corpse, I gave prodded it with a hammer. What? Wouldn't you want to poke a corpse? (A/N: I'd be smart and run away)

"Matthew, I'll find a teacher, you stay here and....yeah," she gave me short instructions as she scrambled out of the history classroom. The door was shut closed (possibly locked) and now I'm stuck with a zombie...YAY! With nothing to do and nowhere to go, I moved a chair in front of the clock and stood on it to see the face.

I stared at the gears, they moved easily, but the hands didn't shift an inch. Strange, is this a Twilight Zone episode? I hope it is (Twilight Zone theme song plays in background)...Well, like any idiot, I stuck my hand in it and got my finger cut. Ouch! Yeah, it stung, but what happened next was weird; a bird flew out and jabbed me in the forehead with a beak.

Did I fail to mention this was a cuckoo clock?

It was...sugoi, another mystery to be solved. I toppled off the chair and rubbed my head, the bird retreated into the clock and the face closed itself automatically. What happened next could really trip you out; the dead guy grabbed my collar tightly and literally dragged me INto the case of the grandfather clock. Now I was really scared, this guy just won't let me go, no matter how much I pounded the door so many times, the nails had flown off.

:Hellsing H.Q.-Integra's Office:

"Huff...huff...huff, HEAVE!" Pip panted as he hauled into Integtra's office a gigantic grandfather clock...by himself. Integra sat at her desk, a cigar in her hands, her eyes on Pip as he placed the clock down.

"You know," she started. "You could have used the elevator..." The captain whipped around to shout,"Then you should've told me!"

"It was more fun watching you on camera, this'll make a good montage later for the New Year's Party," Integra clicked on the replay button on her computer to see Pip stubbing his toe, she chuckled slightly, a grin came upon her face.

"Montage?"

"This is Hellsing, at least some of us are entitled to be caught on camera doing things, mainly, it's you, Captain. Singing Mama Mia in the shower, running around nude and drunk, trying on Seras' undergarments, and other sorts of antics," she smiled as Pip's face went slightly red. "But don't worry..." Pip gave a sigh of relief. "...I didn't catch you playing with your Barbie dolls..." He tensed up and tried to make an excuse but the impression of a mercenary playing with dolls had been etched out in her mind. "I'll make sure it'll be the last part...."

"You're too kind, Sir Integra..." Pip grumbled,"Where's the clock to go?"

"Oh? You don't know? In my room on the floor above-"

"WHA-fine," with his nostrils flaring, he asked,"Why don't any of your _other _servants do this?" When he said sevants, he meant Alucard or Seras.

"Me, Alucard, Walter, and the Police Girl are the only ones left to run this base; it makes complete sense that you should help us out, now get go-" the clock started making noise, the kind of noise you hear when people are trying to come out of small, compact spaces (like a box). Eventually, the door flew off its hinges and I came out, headfirst with the corpse on top of me; Pip gave a girlie scream as Walter came rushing into the room.

"Sir Integra, are you all-oh, it was you, Captain," Walter panted after bursting through the door. Within seconds, Seras appeared,"Sir Integr-oh, Captain...don't you know you scream like a girl?"

"And I had it all recorded," Integra gave another satisfied smile but then switched to serious mode when she saw me toss the body several feet away. She got up out of her seat and strode towards me,"Are you a vampire?"

"No, I'm your mother," I replied, she glowered at me as my attention span on her switched to the other people in the room: Seras, Walter, and Pip...my conclusion of where I am...

"This is the Hellsing Organization, you're Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing (the bitchin' director who runs the place), then there's Walter C. Dornez (the kickass butler who betrays Hellsing), Pip Bernadotte (the perverted mercenary), and then Seras Victoria (the only girl in Hellsing with large boobs)...and Alucard (the No Fucking Life King)," I finished my conclusion, an eyebrow raised. "In other words...I'M IN FUCKING HELLSING!" They stared at me, of course, Integra was the first to interrogate me,"Exactly how do you know of this Organization?"

"I'm on a mission from your mother-"

"Listen to me...what's your name?"

"Matt."

"Matt, thanks....Listen to me, Matt," she started, man, she's scarier up close than in the manga. "Exactly how much do you know of us?"

"To a point of where Seras and you keep your tampons and pads," I smirked, they grew red for a moment before she spoke again,"Well, we cannot release you to...how'd you get here in the first place?"

"I come from California, I'm an American citizen, that gives me rights to be where ever, do what ever, and when ever I want...the corpse pulled me in...against my rights...""

"Okey, but we still can't let you go since you know all about our top secret missions....I'll have you work under us, and you can't leave the estate without an escort or unless I allow you to, understood?"

I pondered over that while getting to my feet; I'm going to work under the Hellsing and fight the undead with very, very big guns (no, not those you pervs), and I get to annoy the shit outta Alucard...

"As long as I don't have to call Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then I'm cool with it, when do I start?" I clapped my hands together enthusiastically and rubbed them readily. "I get to go shooting with Pip? Help Seras pick out clothes? Expose Walter's true plans? Mess up your headquarters? When do I start?"

"How about now?"

"Great! What am I?"

"You'll work as our Head Household Maid..."

"AW! THAT'S SO FUCKING AWESO-wait-WHAT?!" I shouted, causing the entire mansion to tremble. "I'M A MAID?! THAT'S FOR **_GIRLS_**!"

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**Let the chaos begin....**

_**READ & REVIEW!**_


	2. Clean Your Room

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing**

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**Last Time on_ "The Maid Did It!"_:**

_"You'll work as our Head Household Maid..."_

_"AW! THAT'S SO FUCKING AWESO-wait-WHAT?!" I shouted, causing the entire mansion to tremble. "I'M A MAID?! THAT'S FOR _**GIRLS**_!"_

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Order 2: Clean Your Room

Walter (a.k.a. traitorous butler) showed me to my room, it was next to Pip's; a medium sized room with three windows, one twin sized bed, a bunk bed, three wardrobes (I swore I saw a black dress and tights), and two bathrooms with showers. He had one hand behind his back and a bundle of clothes in the other. There was a smile on his face as he placed it on the bottom bunk; a desk with a lamp was next to it, I sat on the wooden chair. He explained about the clothes,"They used to be mine when I was your age..." I got up and lifted the silk-like vest and pants, a golden chain for a pocket watch was already latched to it. A pin stripped shirt (black and white of course) was folded neatly up neatly with a pair of white gloves sitting on its brass buttons; the Hellsing name embroidered along it. "I told Sir Integra of how improper it is to dress as a lady, so she had me give you, as you may call it, hand-me-downs. You can dress as a butler, but you're a maid."

"Geeze, thanks, Walter! My pride remains intact," I praised him greatly,"When do the Dental Floss of Doom come in?" He ignored my question and continued,"Your only chore today is to clean the Police Girl, Captain Bernadotte, and Alucard's dens, or rooms. The sheets will be changed and replaced with new ones in the Captain's room only, the carpets will be vacuumed, the area will be dusted, and a small piece of mint chocolate is to be placed on their pillows." He tossed me a small piece of chocolate in green wrapping paper. "Do try hard not to eat them all, we're on a tight budget. Here are your supplies..." He stepped aside to show me a cart full of cleaning supplies; vacuum, duster, desensitizer, rags, bed sheets, you know, the works. The carts you find at hotels or inns are nothing compared to this one since it looked clean.

Before Walter left, I spoke,"Since I'm going to be cleaning all...can't I just wear what I'm wearing now?" A short pause. "I'll wear an apron-" On cue, he tossed me a pink apron with a panda's head and the words "Doskoi Panda" embroidered on it. (Sanji the chef from One Piece wears this)

"This is the only one we have left...by the way, you'll be paid £20 per hour-"

"I'm American..."

"It would be about $30 an hour..."

"Thirty bucks?! That much to change people's sheets?!"

"Is it too low?"

"No, it's large!"

"Then you should be satisfied," Walter said,"But you would be doing more than just changing the Captain's sheets..." I feel like he's plotting something. "You get lunch breaks and half an hour breaks every five hours; the day starts at 6 in the morning and ends at 11 at night. Your schedule will be in the Supply Closet across the hall in a mailbox, the earnings are there too with the list, understood?"

"Yes, Walter..."

"Since you are the only maid in the entire household...you have to do the laundry."

"Sure..."

"And you must feed Alucard's llamas..."

"L-llamas?! Since when did-"

"That question is to remain unanswered."

"All right..."

What I really wanted to ask was,"Can I ride the llamas?"

"We have two cooks left, but you have to deliver everyone's food when they are ordered..."

"No biggie..."

"Do you know how to garden?"

"Yeah."

I lied.

"We also need a groundskeeper, Sir Integra insisted that you should be the one."

"Fine."

Now I'm just agreeing with whatever the geezer said.

"Here is your list and map of the mansion and grounds, I took the liberty of handing it to you since it is your first day," he gave me a slip of paper that was over two feet long, my eye twitched as he left me alone with a feather duster. I opened the map, it showed the four floor plans and the dungeons, and my list, it said to clean Pip's room first. He slept next door, might as well see tend to him first. I slipped on my gloves but left the clothes as I went out of my room and closed the door.

My hand knocked on Pip's door, no answer, but I went in anyway when I found out I had the keys to every single room in the mansion. No one was there, just a queen sized bed with dark blue sheets and the same design as my room. There was a large trunk at the foot of the bed, I felt curious and opened it....holy shit, I hit the mother load. Drugs, pictures of Seras, pornography...and Barbie dolls?! WTF?! And is that a Malibu Barbie doll?! I closed it quickly and decided to look in this other wardrobe. Two of them were in the room, actually. One had clothes, the other had guns, ammo, grenades, the works.

I took a rifle in my hands and aimed it at a random flower vase,"These, I gotta have for my birthday-"

"Maybe I'll give you one if you put that down," came a voice, it was Pip himself, he smiled as I carefully placed it back into its space in the wardrobe and closed it. "You're Matt, right?"

"Duh."

"The kid next door?"

"Duh."

"Is that an insult or are you just talking in Russian?"

"Whatever you wanna call it."

"Adieu then," Pip held a hand in the air while he strode away from the threshold. My eyes turned to his bed, the sheets were tossed everywhere, the pillows were on the ground, what a mess. I quickly stripped the bed and tossed all the crap in a waist basket on my cart and took out some emerald sheet and fixed it all on his bed. After doing that, I saw Winnie the Pooh laying face down on the ground, his red shirt was faded and he was missing an eye. Resemblance to his master? I think guilty as charged! He was stationed on the blanket with a piece of mint in front of him.

Then there were the clothes on the floor, all scattered like bomb shells. I slowly picked them up, shorts, pants, boxers, and socks, nearly 70 percent were white, interesting...but anyway, I vacuumed the area and dusted whatever I wanted. The room was so clean, you can see it sparkle, I felt good for once about cleaning a room...maybe it was because I was getting paid, yeah, that was it! My job was done in Pip's room, now...how to get a 100 pound cart down the stairs?

.:Integra's Office:.

"Ma'am, it seems that Matt is having a bit of trouble with the stairs," Walter bent over slightly to see the screen, Integra shook her head. It was me actually riding the cart down the stairs like a skateboard, there was even audio,"WAAAAAAHHOOOOOO!!!!" (A/N: Kids, don't try this at home) They stood/sat there watching me for a full ten minutes before they heard a drawn out scream that rand throughout the entire mansion,"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU STOP THIS THING?!" Integra couldn't help but laugh,"He's not the brightest of all, is he?"

"For safety reasons, we should install elevators if it isn't that much of a problem-"

"No, this is highly entertaining, loosen up, Walter!"

"S-sir, are you all right?"

"All right? I'm great! Fantastic! Absolutely smashing!" she leaned into her swivel chair and pushed it backwards to stretch out her arms and legs and give a satisfied,"Whee!"

On the floor, Walter spotted an empty bottle of Happy Pills, he gulped on nothing when an e-mail message came on to the screen. It was the Queen of England. Integra read out loud:

_"Dear Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing,_

_There had been a terrorist attack on the Vatican's Section XIII; the Iscariot Organization's headquarters had been blown up. With permission from the Pope and me, Father Enrico Maxwell and three other people will be living with you until further notice (which could be FOREVER). Stay strong and try not to let Alucard, and yourself, kill them. They will arrive tonight..."_

Within nanoseconds, Integra's "Happy Daisies For All" mood had disappeared and had been replaced with a "Search and Destroy" mood...

.:Seras' Room:.

Just as I had placed a piece of mint on Seras' coffin, I heard a screech from above,"THEY'RE GOING TO BE WHAT?!" Seras, who sat some distance from me on a chair, winced at the scream as I dropped my feather duster. I had a white bandanna on my head, she was kind enough to even let me have it so it could soak up the sweat. Seras quietly said,"I wonder what happened..." I shrugged and tossed her a mint. "Gee, thanks, I wish I could eat it, though..." I tossed her a blood pack. "Hey!"

"What am I? The snack bar? Enjoy it!" I snapped as I quickly rolled the cart out; the door slammed behind me. At least finished her room,now I can move on to Alucard. I didn't bother knocking and strode right in; it lacked furniture and other things. A chair and coffee table was the only thing there, and then there was the coffin. I dusted the throne-like seat of the No Life King and cleared the small table.

There was no bathroom or wardrobe, but a red bow tie that Alucard wears sat on the coffin. A small note was pinned next to it:

_"Maid, I want you to clean this, Sir Integra "accidentally" spilled grape wine on it two minutes ago. Don't ask me how she got down here and then back upstairs within that time-limit with out you seeing her, I think she was on something..."_

It was just a small dot, but oh well, might as well clean the damn thing. Before leaving the vast room of nothingness, a funny thought came across my mind. Right in my back pocket was a sharpie marker, in front of me was a sleeping man. Any ideas? Anyone?

.:My Room:.

**BEEEEEEEP!**

The pornography magazine that I stole from Pip's stash flew across the room when the doorbell rang at night time. My phone on the nightstand alarmed me and I answered,"Restaurant le Crap, wanna make a reservation?"

"Matt? There will be two people sleeping in your room, I want you to set their beds and meet me at the stairs," Walter instructed me. "And make sure to wear the suit, we have guests."

"From where?"

"The Vatican."

My eyebrow was raised as I hung up the phone and quickly stripped off my pants to replace it with the new ones. The shirt slid on easily and the pants were lighter than any other that I had worn. When I got to the first floor, Integra, Alucard, and Walter were already greeting the new guests. Yumiko and Heinkel sat on everyone's luggage; Father Anderson was smiling as he stifled laughs; Maxwell talked to Integra, trying to get on her good side in order to stay and make the Hellsing Estate their temporary headquarters.

"We thank you greatly for giving us...blah, blah, blah."

"Ah, Matt, ladies," Walter adressed to the nun and priest,"This is your roommate. Take their belongings to their room and guide them. I'll take care of the rest; you're free to do as you please for the rest of the day, but tomorrow will be harder."

"All right, right this way, ma'am and uh....-"

Truth is, I'm still confused: is Heinkel a chick or a dude?

"Ma'am...." Heinkel replied kindly. "I get that a lot..."

"Uuuuuhhhhh....right!"

Chick it is...

That's one mystery solved, what's next?

When we reached the hallway of my room, Pip was waiting at my door with a hammer in hand; I cowered behind Yumiko and whimpered,"Wake up Yumie!"

"How do you know of-?"

"Oi, Matt!" Pip growled, Yumiko sidestepped to the left, leaving me exposed to the mercenary. "Why is my best suit **PINK**?! Why are my boxers, shirts, and socks **PINK**?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Next time, let ME do my own laundry!" I backed away, but he advanced towards me. "**PINK**! Matt! _**PINK**_!" He was wearing a pink shirt and boxer. Yumiko responded,"Um...not to impose, but it looks good on you Mr...?"

"Pip," he answered.

"Mr. Pip, it looks great..." Pip instantly blushed and rubbed the back of his head bashfully,"Aw, shucks, you don't have to say that, mon amour..." He grabbed me by my collar and pressed me against the wall. "You got lucky this time, maid." The captain retreated to his room and slammed the door, causing me to jump in fright. We heard French curses and a loud thud fallowed by glass shattering.

"SHIT FUCK! MY MOTHER'S VASE!"

Just as my hand touched the door nob, Alucard materialized behind the three of us. Heinkel took out her gun and aimed it at him out of a reflex action, Yumiko nearly fainted but I couldn't help but laugh at his face,"Had you looked the mirror lately, Alucard?"

Drawn across his pale face, in Sharpie marker, were thick glasses, a mustache that curves at the end, scars, stars, happy faces, and an over-sized beauty mark (mole). Heinkel got a better look at him and burst into tears and laughter,"No wonder why Father Anderson was laughing earlier! Y-yumiko! Look!"

Yumiko stared for a minute then clutched on to my arm for support as she started laughing as hard as me. Eventually, we all fell down clutching our stomachs and wiping our eyes.

"Matt..." he snarled at me,"You....Are....Dead!" The Jackal was pointed at my head but then Integra's voice called out for him. Before vanishing through the floor, he threatened me,"I'll get you if it is the last thing I do..." I cringed slightly while opening my door to the two ladies and letting them go in first. I trailed behind with ten trunks and bags, just how much do they need to live here?!

Heinkel and Yumiko did rock-paper-scissors for the top bunk: Heinkel won and Yumiko took the twin bed while I had the bottom bunk. Once their clothes were in their wardrobes and they had gotten comfortable and had their meals, we started introducing each other after changing into our sleepwear; Yumiko wore light blue pajamas, Heinkel had a black night gown, and I was in a white shirt and checkered boxers.

"Well, I'm Matt the Head Household Maid-"

"Hold on," Heinkel interrupted me, she sat on her bunk as Yumiko and me sat on her bed. "You're a guy that's dressed as a butler but you're a maid..."

"I know, it's strange...but it's the only job available here."

"How come you don't have an accent?" Yumiko asked.

"I'm from America."

"Oh...then how'd you get to England?"

"...through a grandfather clock...a corpse pulled me in...that's even stranger..."

"Ve don't find that extremely strange; Ve've seen vorse."

"Duh, you guys are assassins that work for a top secret organization that fights the undead. No doubt you'll see a zombie."

What we really should be talking about is why the fuck Heinkel is wearing a dress...

Recap, there are two Catholics in the room and one Protestant (me, if you're clueless) and they don't seem to be fighting or arguing with me...they seem pretty nice as long as Yumie doesn't pop up and slice my head head open for just being non-Catholic. We just talked like NORMAL people even though Hellsing the manga doesn't HAVE normal, calm people who DON'T try to take over the world or so on. This was like a dorm room at a collage or a university where students talked and chilled out.

Soon enough, we all went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night hearing Heinkel snore like a bull and her foot dangling on the side of the bed. My hands carefully pushed it back to the bed but it fell again. I found a random strip of cloth and tied her foot to the bed frame so it wouldn't fall; Yumiko was awake too, she giggled at me,"It takes a while to get used to it...her snores...but she won't be happy to find herself tied to the bed post..."

"Heinkel won't mind, she's smart," I responded.

"You know, I'm a bit hungry...well...Yumie is, actually..."

"Oh, all right. We can sneak into the kitchen, the cooks aren't there and I don't think there are cameras or alarms..."

I tossed her my robes while placing on my own and we quietly sneaked out of my room with a flashlight.

"Before we go, I need to know...what do you want?"

"Um...." she seems nicer in person than in the manga. "How about some milk and cookies?"

"And cake?" I suggested as we stood there.

"Sounds great!..." yep, this nun's got a sweet tooth...

"Brownies?"

"Okey!..."

"Any other sweets?"

"Yay!..."

"Yosh, let's go raid the fridge..."

"Won't we get caught?"

"Nah, I'm the only staff member they have...we can't _possibly_ get into trouble..."

And so our journey began but what we didn't know was that a certain Frenchman dressed in pink was stalking us, muttering,"_Revenge...Revenge...Revenge!_" and stubbing his toe on a random wall with his Pooh Bear stuff toy in his hands......

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**To anyone who is kind:**

**I need to know about the British currency, so if anyone knows it inside out, give me full details about it in a review.**

_**READ & REVIEW!**_


	3. House of Wolves

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing**

**A/N: Ah, kuso! Ya caught meh! I AM a pirate fan. One Piece is a good series and I suggest you get into it. Sanji-kun roxs mah sox! Lol, I'm taking a break from writing One Piece so I could do Hellsing....I'm still a faithful pirate-otaku!**

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**Last time on_ "The Maid Did It!"_:**

_"Um...." she seems nicer in person than in the manga. "How about some milk and cookies?"_

_"And cake?" I suggested as we stood there._

_"Sounds great!..." yep, this nun's got a sweet tooth..._

_"Brownies?"_

_"Okey!..."_

_"Any other sweets?"_

_"Yay!..."_

_"Yosh, let's go raid the fridge..."_

_"Won't we get caught?"_

_"Nah, I'm the only staff member they have...we can't possibly get into trouble..."_

_And so our journey began but what we didn't know was that a certain Frenchman dressed in pink was stalking us, muttering,"_Revenge...Revenge...Revenge_!" and stubbing his toe on a random wall with his Pooh Bear stuff toy in his hands......_

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Order 3: House of Wolves

While walking, Yumiko gave a small yawn,"Mr. Matt, I'm a bit tired..."

_Well, I know a thing about contrition,  
Because I got enough to spare._

She tucked away her glasses....

"Yumie wanted to eat, not me..."

_And I'll be granting your permission,  
'Cause you haven't got a prayer_

...and transformed into the berserker.

_Well I said hey, hey hallelujah,  
I'm gonna come on sing the praise_

"...so where're the sweets?" Yumie asked me roughly, I gulped,"Uh...this way, my favorite berserker!" and pointed towards the end of the hallway, she fallowed behind as I pointed my flashlight ahead. We found the set of stairs, I led her up instead of down. Eventually, we came across two doors at the end, there were snores. "But before we could...I wanna do something...." I took out the keys and opened the first door: it was Integra's master bedroom. Like any British noble-women that defended England from FREAKS, her room was large, almost like a dining room.

A four post bed with two small dressers at the sides held the sleeping Hellsing. I decided to look around for no reason.

_And let the spirit come on through ya,  
We got innocence for days!_

"What're we looking for?" Yumie asked impatiently, her foot tapping the ground and her arms crossed on her chest. I went through the walk-in closet and scattered Integra's clothes, suits, pants, and shirts all over. Then I ravaged the desk, tossing the paperwork everywhere and spilling ink on her favorite ascot. With the ink, I drew on the wall:

_**"I'm on a mission....from yo mama, biatch."**_

Yumie snickered at my work and took the ink bottle to write some more:

**_"Hey, hey, human sucker  
Ah, ya mother fucker...." _**(A/N: Lol, that's Death Note's second opening)

We giggled like school-girls as she wrote more disturbing messages while I searched Integra's...."delicate" drawers....

_Well, I think I'm gonna burn in hell,  
Everybody burn the house right down_

"Hey, Yumie..."

"Yeah?"

"You know how you and Heinkel see disturbing things when you're on missions?"

"Uh-huh..."

"Well, trust me when I say this...but this is beyond that...Aye Carumba!" I suddenly pulled out a pretty pink thong and a bra,"These could be good on a slut!" Yumie snorted and then pulled out a white speedo,"I don't think Integra wears this..."

"Hey, it's Alucard's!" we stared at the three undergarments and then tossed them to Integra's bed as if they were poison. "Ew, ew, ew!...let's go already!"

_And say, ha,what I wanna say  
Tell me I'm an angel, take this to my grave._

"Ja," I agreed with her as we sprinted out of Integra's sleeping quarters and locked the door. To avoid making noise on the stairs while going down, we slid on the banister backwards and rode it down to the second floor. A door was wide open, another guest room was occupied by Maxwell, who slept soundlessly. I went in.

_Tell me I'm a bad man, kick me like a stray  
Tell me I'm an angel, take this to my grave_

"Oooo, it's the Chief," Yumie breathed as she hung by the door; in my back pocket was a sharpie marker...

.:First Floor-Anderson's Room:.

"Look at this white powder..."

_S-I-N, I S-I-N_

"That's Baby Powder..."

_S-I-N, I S-I-N_

"How about that?"

_S-I-N, I S-I-N_

"Um, Father Anderson's lipstick-"

_S-I-N, I S-I-N_

"LIPSTCK?!"

I sat on one side of the bed with a bottle of baby powder, blue eyeliner, fake eyelashes, a blush, some lipstick, and a brush-like thingy. Ten minutes passed and I stood up to admire my work: Father Anderson just had a make over. His face was completely white, the fake eyelashes stood out in the blue eyeliner, his lips were red thanks to the lipstick, and, finally, I drew a gigantic mole on his cheek. Yumie, who was at the foot of the bed, had her own lips quivering since the Father looked like one of of those fruit basket dancers. She handed me a random fruit basket and I placed it on Anderson's head.

.:Dungeons-Alucard's Room:.

"We still hadn't found the kitchen..." Yumie pouted as we approached Seras' door. We heard Alucard and Seras on the other side,"Master, how...how did you-heh, heh...." Seras suddenly started giggling,"Can't you wear it longer?"

_You play ring around the ambulance,_

"No, Police Girl, I can't go fighting off other vampires who laugh at my face! Clean it, this is an order!"

_Well like you never gave a care._

"I'm sorry, Master, but this is in Sharpie marker, it won't come off unless we use water-"

_So get the choir boys around you,_

"I don't wanna take a bath!"

_It's a compliment, I swear._

"Oh well, this is only-"

_And I said, ashes to ashes, we all fall down,_

"Never mind, I'll find some other way..."

_I wanna hear you sing the praise,_

"Maybe you could use one of those laser surgeries-"

_I said, ashes to ashes, we all fall down,_

"No!"

_We got innocence for days!_

"I thought vampires don't feel anything!"

_Well, I think I'm gonna burn in hell,_

"....lasers scare me...."

_Everybody burn the house right down._

He left the room by walking through a wall and Seras was all alone. Nothing to do here, I turned around and nearly screamed,"PIP!" It was Pip, he had that crazy look in his eyes as he muttered,"I want revenge..."

"That's gonna have to wait because Matt is getting me cookies! C'mon," she grasped my shoulder and pulled me away. "Now where the fuck is the kitchen-"

"Up stairs, turn right at the portrait of Van Helsing," Pip said, Yumie nodded and walked away with me being dragged by my ear. He stood there for a minute then trailed after us,"Hey! I need to kill Matt!"

"Here, take a mint! Your breath smells bad anyways," I shouted at him, chucking a mint,"Yumie, go faster, the candy isn't working!"

"What did you expect, he's a human, not a monkey!"

.:Kitchen:.

"Yosh, we made it!" I gasped, rubbing my nose.

"Yay!" Yumie cried happily as the fridge door opened. "Oooo! Cheesecake!" She found a cutting knife and sliced it into eight identical pieces.

_And say, ha, what I wanna say  
Tell me I'm an angel, take this to my grave._

"So ou two were out for a midnight snack, eh? I'm gonna tell Integra....is that cheesecake?! GIMMIE!" Pip jumped me and I went flying into a sack of flour.

"Wah wah za for?!" I tried to speak, but th flour made it harder to talk. I threw a random jello at him. "Ha! Take that, you jackass!"

_Tell me I'm a bad man, kick me like a stray  
Tell me I'm an angel, take this to my grave_

"Oh, it's on!" he shouted, he aimed the cheesecake at my head and fired away with Yumie screaming,"EH?! I was eatin' that!"

We stated tossing whatever desert we could find at each other. Yumie had her supply of oranges, Pip handled watermelons, and I had kiwi.

_You better run like the devil,  
'Cause they're never gonna leave you alone!_

I got Pip by the eye, he was temporarily blind so I tackled him.

_You better hide up in the alley,  
'Cause they're never gonna find you a home!_

Yumie jumped him too screeching,"I WANTED MY CHEESECAKE!"

_And as the blood runs down the walls,  
You see me creepin' up these halls._

"And I wanted you!" I added, I covered my mouth.

The room paused at my statement; an orange and a watermelon floated in the air as they started at me from my statement.

"Whoops, that didn't come out right....uh, back to the fighting!"

"Yeah!" Pip and Yumie yelled, the mercenary was being pwned by a nun and a maid. This was highly embarrassing for him. Once we beaten him into submission, Yumie found a piece of rope and tied it to his ankles, then we went out into the entrance of the mansion and she made large, inhuman jumps to the chandelier in order to tie him. He hung there with his scarf dangling from above.

_I've been a bad motherfucker  
Tell your sister I'm another_

"Our work is done and I don't wanna eat anymore," Yumie yawned, see placed on her glasses...

_Go! Go! Go!_

....and returned into her old self, Yumiko, she gasped,"My goodness, who did this?"

"...uh, you," I answered as she stared up at Pip.

"Can we get him down?"

_And say, say, what I wanna say  
Tell me I'm an angel, take this to my grave._

"WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU JUST TIED HIM UP THERE AND NOW YOU WANNA TAKE HIM DOWN?!"

_Tell me I'm a bad man, kick me like a stray  
Tell me I'm an angel, take this to my grave_

"...yes," she replied quietly.

"...I can't do that, wake up Yumie-"

"She's asleep..."

"Oh well, let's go back to bed before some one sees us.."

.:My Room-Next Morning:.

"YUMIKO! HEINKEL!" roared Maxwell, all three of us jumped out of bed. Heinkel, however, hung upside down by her bed side with her foot tied to the frame, she exclaimed,"Vhat the fuck?! Yumie!" Too late, me and Yumiko were up and out of bed and were currently rushing down the stairs to see our highly agitated bosses. Even Integra's voice came in,"MATTHEW!"

_Tell me I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad man._

"Oh, Chief! What happened?" Yumiko breathed as she saw her employer's face covered in ink, his blond hair was died green. Pip laid unconscious on the floor, Seras was trying to wake him up. Heinkel arrived ten minutes later fully dressed, Maxwell asked,"What took you so long?!"

"My foot vas tied up..."

_Tell me I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad man._

"Hey, Integra," I smiled, I couldn't help but laugh at Anderson, even Alucard joined in.

"Ah can nae fight thae oondead this way, Father Maxwell," Anderson murmured, Maxwell nodded,"I won't send you on a mission until you got yourself cleaned up..."

"Thank ye..."

"Matt," Integra turned to me, I stopped giggling,"Do you have any idea why my room is ransacked, the kitchen is a mess, and why Captain Bernadotte was hanged?"

_Tell me I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad man._

"I didn't do it!" I claimed by self innocent,"Hey, I'm innocent until proven guilty....I think it was Yo, though..."

"Yo who?" Maxwell asked.

"Yo mama!"

Everyone glared at me and Integra said,"Then you didn't do this?"

"No, Kuso-san..." (A/N: kuso-san=Ms. Shit)

"Then be off with your work, Maid."

"Yes, sir..."

_Tell me I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad man._

"I want you to clean my room, the kitchen, and any other damage the perpetrator has done...and put some bloody pants on before going to work..."

.:Kitchen-That Afternoon:.

The walls of the kitchen were covered in cheesecake and watermelon, along with other various fruits, I started mopping the floors when I saw one of the chefs making tea and pouring wine, he gave me instructions,"Take the tea to Integra's office and the wine to Alucard, I clean up everything else." He handed me a silver tray. "And try not to spill it..."

_So get up!_

When he went out of my sight, I took out two bottles of sleeping pills and anti-depressants/Happy Pills....

.:Integra's Office:.

"Sir Integra, I really think you should see the doctor..."

_So get out!_

"No, no, Walter, come, let's play croquet!" Integra sang happily while skipping out of the room,"Oh! I love my life! I wish I could stop fighting innocent FREAKS and let them stay at my home as if they were my children!"

_S-I-N, I S-I-N!_

"Dear lord," Walter sighed,"Sir Integra, don't-"

.:Alucard's Room:.

"Come on then, you fruit basket!" Alucard challenged Father Anderson, who still wore the retarded fruit basket. "We shall see who is better!"

"Aye! On Dance Dance Revolution!" Anderson roared as he chose Funkytown. "Get ready..."

Heinkel and Yumiko entered, both yelling,"OMIGOSH! YOU GOT DDR?!"

"Of course I do!" Alucard said, he and Anderson didn't miss a single beat. "Oh, I got Rock Band 1 and 2 if you wanna play-"

"Vell duh!" Heinkel smirked as she took the guitar and Yumiko took the drums; they picked Dani California.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?! Seras screeched when she went into the room,"I can hear you guys from outside-oh! Pip! They got D.D.R. in here!"

Alucard suddenly collapsed under mysterious circumstances and fell asleep. Seras and Pip shoved him away to play. Suddenly, Integra came into the room with only her bra and pants on, everyone stopped playing as she exclaimed,"Let's all be happy and strip! C'mon, be nude with me! Whoopie!"

"...(gasp)...Sir Integra!" eveyone gasped as they paused. (A/N: Is it just me or does everyone love to gasp?!)

Maxwell, Walter, and I arrived just on time to stop her from showing us any more skin. She continued to giggle madly as they dragged her out of the room, I stayed to scribble more things on Alucard's face...

* * *

**Songs Used:**

**What's Up People by Maximum the Hormone (the message Yumie wrote)  
House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance**

**_I need 5 or more reviews if you want the next chapter so bad!  
So keep reviewing my servants!_**

**_READ & REVIEW!_**


	4. Promotion Already?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing**

**A/N: I, the author, make an appearance in the fallowing chapter, lol...this is pretty long...**

* * *

**Last time on "The Maid Did It!":**

_Alucard suddenly collapsed under mysterious circumstances and fell asleep. Seras and Pip shoved him away to play. Suddenly, Integracame into the room with only her bra and pants on, everyone stopped playing as she exclaimed,"Let's all be happy and strip! C'mon, be nude with me! Whoopie!"_

_"...(gasp)...Sir Integra!" everyone gasped as they paused. (A/N: Is it just me or does everyone love to gasp?!)_

_Maxwell, Walter, and I arrived just on time to stop her from showing us any more skin. She continued to giggle madly as they dragged her out of the room, I stayed to scribble more things on Alucard's face..._

* * *

Chapter 4: Promotion Already?

The afternoon was nearly over and was fading quickly into night after my shift; I found myself passed out on Alucard's DDR floor with a large drool blob coming from my mouth, Yumiko was there to wake me up,"Mr. Matt...Mr. Matt! Ew, ew, ew, drool! Mr. Matt!"

"Huh, whazza?!" I snorted, shaking my head and whiping my mouth free from saliva. Yumiko continued shaking me until I was completely awake,"I didn't do it-"

"No, no, Sir Hellsing's missing!"

"And you should be flipping out because...?" I asked, an eyebrow raised.

"All matter of God's creatures, minus the undead, should be cared for!"

"Aw, how cute-" that statement couldn't make me do anything but smile.

From four floors above on the fourth floor, we heard Father Anderson bellow,"AH'VE GOT HER!"

"I VILL GET THE SLEEPING PILLS!"

"AH'LL KILL HER WHILE YER AT IT!"

"NO, FATHER! I VILL FIND MATT! PIP!"

"YES, SIR!"

"IT'S _MA'AM_!"

"WHATEVER, YOU HOMO-"

"I'M A _HETERO_!"

Within two seconds, Heinkel appeared in front of us, she tripped over Alucard's body and quickly got up while fixing her shades, she started shouting at me,"Matt! Vhere's the sleeping pills you haf used on Alucard?"

"How'd you know-"

"Sanji told us..."

"The chef's name is _Sanji_?! Wtf?!"

"Ja, now vhere?"

"Here!" I searched my apron and my pockets, nothing,"It's not here..."

"Vell, help me find them! To your room!" Heinkel pointed ahead like a retard as if we were going on some Grand Adventure on the Grand Line. "You too, Yumiko!" Her arms wrapped around both our waists and she began sprinting up the halls and stairs. She was panting heavily when we reached my room, I gave her advice,"You coulda' used the elevator..." Heinkel flipped out on me,"Then you should haf told me!" I shrugged apologetically as she tore through my closet, drawers, trunks, and backpack.

"Hey! Dude...or dudette, that's private property!" I yelled, she turned while tossing a pair of my boxers at Yumiko'shead and gave the death glare,"Whoa, sorry!"

"Sir Hellsing is acting like a retard on the floor above, it's taking eweryone's participation to hold her down! Now start helping or I'll tie your own leg to the bed frame!" she threatened me so badly, I fell backwards.

"AH! DAMNIT! SHE GOT AWAY!"

"SHE'S HEADIN' TAE THAH THIRD FLOOR!"

"OH, NO SHIT! IT'S THE ONLY FLOOR NEXT, STUPID!"

"YE WAN' AE FIGHT MEH, DRACULINA?!"

Integra whizzed past our room crackling with Walter, Maxwell, Pip, Seras, and Anderson in hot pursuit; they couldn't run anymore and stopped at the door panting.

"Ah, Maid, fix me some tea," Maxwell ordered me, I shook my head,"No! That's what got everyone into this fix in the first place! I drugged Integra and Alucard's drinks, so don't start yelling at me...yet...now..." I cleared my throat and began that speech people make to encourage other idiots to go to war.

"I'm going to be a man and stop this!" my chest puffed up as I straitened my back to look taller,"Do you want to live in fear? Fear of Integra stripping everyday in front of our eyes?"

"NO!" everyone shouted simultaneously.

"The Fear of Integra being Happy Daisies for All?!"

"NEVER!"

"Who finds it appropriate for Integra to hump a llama?!"

"NONE!"

"`cuz she's doing it right now..."

"Ew, that's physically impossible," Seras pointed out.

"How do you know?"

"It just is..."

"Had you tried...?"

"WHAT?! ARE YOU SICK MINDED?!"

"Right on the bull's eye, Missy....now...Do we want our Search and Destroy/Bitchin' Integra back?!"

"YES!"

"Now repeat what I say: We want Integra back!"

"WE WANT INTEGRA BACK!"

"We're going listen to Matthew Wingates!"

"WE'RE GOING TO LISTEN TO MATTHEW WINGATES!"

"And Yumiko's going to get Matt a root beer from the kitchen!"

They stopped cheering but Yumiko repeated,"And I'm going to get Mr. Matt root beer-wait-are you serious on that one?" I nodded. "You could've just told me..."

"Can you please get me one?"

"That is out of the question, some one had thought it amusing to use root beer as rocket fuel the other night. Now we have no more root beer in stock," Walter explained, lips quivering, knees shaking, I got to the floor and cried. Yumiko knelled over and patted my head.

"Aw, don't worry Mr. Matt, I'll go buy some after this is done-KYA!"

I hopped to my feet (she fell over) and shouted with a fist raised high in a ball,"I've got a plan! Seras, say 'groovey'."

"Groovey, but what-"

"Great, you're Daphnie...Pip, you're Scooby-Doo....Heinkel, Velma....Anderson's Shaggy...and I'm Fred-"

Heinkel threw a punch in the back of my head, she exhaled the nicotine from her cigarette and rolled her eyes,"Ve're not playing Scooby-Doo here. This is a serious matter....so do you haf a plan or vhat?"

"Owie, does she hit this hard?" I asked, a giant bump produced from the back; the Iscariot nodded while Yumiko took out a roll of bandage and wrapped it around my head. "Heinkel, I could be serious when I wanna be, this is good time to tell everyone....I'm America's Next Top Stalker (A/N: I was gonna say America's Next Top Model)! Here's my i.d. of going to the Intimacy Stalker High School." I took out my wallet and showed them my identification. "They say I'm the best, people in New York ask me to stalk, but hey. I wanted to be an F.B.I agent and fallow Light Yagami around the Kanto region until he kills me in a train station....Raye Pember, what kinda' name is that?!"

"You came from America?" Maxwell rubbed a hand on his chin thoghtfully,"This could really help-"

Integra suddenly burst into the room and grabbed Maxwell and scurried off shouting,"I LOVE THIS MAN!" We all stood there and never noticed what happened.

"HEINKEL! YUMIKO! ANDERSOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

"An intimacy stalker vinds up vorking as a maid...hmph..."

"I know a few simple tricks...after all, I'm a teenager unlike the rest of you fools-"

"Hey, I'm nineteen!" Yumiko called out in the background, Heinkel raised an eyebrow,"Eh? Your resume said you vere twenty-vone." Her partner shrugged,"_Yumie_'s twenty-one, _I_'m nineteen..." They all stared at her.

"Ye were sah'posed tae be o'er twenty taework with us...ye're a year yoon'ger tae be wit' us...ye're fired..."

"EH?! YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! Wait, hold on," Yumiko paused and threw her glasses to me and out came Yumie screaming,"YOU CAN'T FUCKING FIRE MEH! I'M THE VATICAN'S GREATEST DIVINE WEAPON: **_THE BIG BAD BITCH_**!"

"Ve're firing Yumiko, not you, Yumie," Heinkel pointed out bluntly, Yumie snatched her glasses and shoved them up to the bridge of her nose muttering,"Your turn." Yumiko returned to us, eye twitching, and she started crying.

"Aw, donnae make it harder than it is-"

"IKNOW! HOWABOUTWEMAKEYUMIKOFETCHMEXWELL, IFSHESUCEEDS, YOUHIREHER!" I shouted out in one breath, Yumiko had those anime stars for eyes while her hands were clamped together; tears of happiness streamed down her cheeks as she started thanking me,"I don't know what you said, Mr. Matt, but thank you!"

"No pro...." she gave me one of those tight, bear hugs, I gasped,"Can't....chokin'....Yumiko!" My legs started kicking as Heinkel grabbed the camera, Seras pulled out the camcorder at the same time. "What....bakas....do?!"

"Hold that pose, Yumiko, it's wery sveet..."

"Oi, Maid, keep smiling!"

"Heinkel...Walter...anyone!!!!"

"Put the idiot down, Ms. Takagi, we need him," Pip smirked,"But you can hold me-owie!"

"Hit on your own nun!" Heinkel snapped when Yumiko (finally) dropped me saying,"So what do you want me to do, Mr. Matt?"

"Don't hug me like that again?" I asked, rubbing the ribs that were nearly crushed,"G-go to their room and fetch Maxie, simple as that-" In a flash, she left us all, we stood there until Pip spoke,"Any one read any good books lately?"

"Oh, yeah, there's this cool thing called Hellsing," I started,"Written by this dude named Khota Hirano."

"Really? What's it about?" Walter asked. (A/N: MAJOR spoilers from volume 9 in the next paragraph)

"It's about this butler who betrays the family he serves in order to become the real Angel of Death and defeat this Vampire King....and there's this nun he slices up into pieces and this other nun (dressed as a priest, yet fans don't know her true gender), who was her best friend, gets her cheek shot off by this werewolf....highly recommended to anyone who loves violence...."

The room went totally silent and Walter adjusted his tie while clearing his throat,"Um...what about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling?"

"Oh, that's a good book."

"Rowling sunk my ship of Neville/Luna, they vere such a good couple..."

"Yeah, and Draco/Hermione, but that's a long shot."

We went on talking about Harry Potter vs. Twilight (A/N: No offense, but I hate Twilight 'cause they don't got vampires like they do in Hellsing, plz don't flame me for that) until Yumiko appeared, her dress disheveled and her hair a mess,"Guys! Guys! You have to help me!" We all started fallowing her up to the fourth floor as she tried to explain,"They just won't stop!"

"Stop vhat?"

"Whatever it was they were doing, but I know it's so _addicting_!"

Everyone,plus me, gagged by the time we reached Integra's door.

"Don't tell me their fucking," I groaned, she opened the door and I covered my eyes,"OH LORD! MY EYES! YUMIE! CLAW OUT MY EYES! IT'S HORRIFYING!!!" I suddenly heard the melody for Thriller by Michel Jackson. "EH?!" She pulled on my hand and told me to go inside, I was forced to open my eyes and see Integra and Maxwell...

"AHA! Master!" Alucard snarled from behind, everyone turned and laughed at his face, I drew blackheads all over. "There's MY..." he pointed into her room, but then he was mulled over by a herd of llamas. All of them crowded around Yumiko, who immediately started petting them,"Oh, they're so cute, are they yours Mr...?"

"That's Alucard," Heinekel murmured, Anderson started laughing again,"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YE OWN ONE O' GOD'S WEAKEST CREATURES?! I PITY YE-" A random llama kicked him out the window. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" We heard him splash into a body of water.

"Hellsing'sgot a pool?" I asked Walter, he nodded,"It's thirty feet deep...complete with a diving board and waterfall, along with a spa for ten." Pip's eyes gazed around the ladies in the hallway, he suddenly earned a nosebleed, Seras tried to snap him out of his trance,"Heh, heh, heh...heh....(sigh)....heh...ten, eh? Ms. Wolfe, do you wear a one piece or a two? How about Seras-girl? And Ms. Takagi?"

"Didn't I tell you to hit on your own nun?!"

**WHACK!**

"Hey, what are you people just standing around her for?" Integra's voice called, it turned out she and Maxwell were playing on Alucard's D.D.R. I gave a sigh of relief, at least they weren't doing...things....it tuned out Walter was relieved as much as I was as he rubbed his forehead. I removed my apron and told everyone,"I'm signing out-" Maxwell and Integra appeared in front of me, causing me to jump in fright.

"Me and Father Maxwell had done some research-"

"On each other? You really don't need books or the Internet-"

"On you, Mr. Wingates," Maxwell explained,"First of all, someone get these llamas out of here. I mean, who the hell did they make it inside this house?!"

"Yes, and why is Alucard on the floor?! Matt! Return to your work and help out Alucard!"

.:Next Day-Integra's Office:.

"So your real name, Matt, is Matthew Wingates, an Irish and Scots who lives in an apartment complex by himself and drives a Harley Davidson. Mr. Wignates had kicked you out of your home when you were fourteen so you worked at a shooting range for a while....but your currently employed as a bartender, correct?" Integra read off a paper and I nodded, the Iscariot and Maxwell were on her left side, the Hellsing Organization were to her right. "Your school records say that you were sent to jail several times for stalking a girl named Luna Morgan...that makes you an Intimacy Stalker..."

"Got that right..."

"A sharpshooter with an accuracy of 88.9%, even with moving targets...that could rival the Police-girl if she were human...but you wear contacts. In other words, they're almost as bad as Sister Takagi....That drops your chances to 2.1% if you were to lose both the glasses and contacts..."

"True..."

"...and you have a knack for hacking computers?"

"Of course!" I lied.

"And the motorcycle?"

"Lady, I do races and other dangerous things you wouldn't consider doing, but I always lose....I got a driver's licence though! Sha-bam!" I took out my i.d. and everyone stared at it. "Broke eighty bones and got into a comma." (A/N: Maybe that's why Matt's so screwed up in the brain.)

"Normally, both organizations recruit those who are twenty, but your birthday is in a month from now so we will add you to our forces-"

"I'm already working as a maid..."

"....we could use your abilities to aid us-"

"Did you say _we _and _us _in the same sentence? You mean that the Iscariot and Hellsing are joining hand-in-hand and going to tea parties?!" she nodded. "That is totally waaaaaaaay OOC, or Out of Character!"

"We, of the Hellsing Orginization..."

"...and we of the Iscariot Organization," Maxwell said,"Are asking for your aid for this next mission of ours...well, there are two different missions actually, one for each of us, but they both require your level of expertise in the field of stalking but since Alucard, Seras, and Anderson are unable to go...."

.:Two Hours Later After Explaining Useless Shit:.

"So I quit my job as a maid?" I hopefully asked, a smile upon my face, Alucard shook his head,"If that were to happen, there would be no use in calling this fan fiction _"The Maid Did It!"_ and it would be called _"The Stalker Did It!"_ correct, WizardsOfHogwarts?"

"Yes, yes!" shouted a girl from nowhere, she jumped into plain sight. She carried a laptop in a case that was over her shoulders, a black, long cloak covered her body and a hood hid her face. "I am the author and this is my story. All right?! You break it, you buy it! Catch that, Matt?!"

"Uh...what? How does that make any sense?"

"I dunno, it's fun to say it though!" WizardsOfHogwarts suddenly crashed through Integra's window and disappeared.

"That vas wery awkvard...oh, the photos vere developed thanks to Seras!" Heinkel suddenly tossed random pictures to everyone as Integra continued to explain about my new job,"Welcome to the Hellsing Organization and the Iscariot Orginization, you are Hellsing's American Agent....your first mission is with Yumiko Takagi and Heinkel Wolfe to the outskirts of Las Vegas, Nevada to investigate mysterious disappearances in both the city and the desert..."

"Wait, you're sending me to America just because I'm American? Isn't that offensive?"

"No, your knowledge of America will help us greatly-"

"Um, me failing history class thirteen times isn't gonna help-"

"It's better than nothing. You would still have your weekly salary from your duties of a maid, but you also have a monthly earning from these missions."

"How much?"

"That would be £1,600 per mission...which is around $2400..."

"HOLY SHIT! THAT MUCH?!"

"Do not be surprised, I gain more money than you," Pip said in the background,"Near £5,700..." I whipped out a calculator and punched in random numbers and then yelled,"You get $8,589.96?!" He nodded.

"All right, when do I go?" I asked.

"Today, right now, you are to ride on the Vatican's private jet...Remember that you work for Hellsing but I'm temporally lending you to Iscariot, so I give you one order: Search and Destroy!...oh, and also have fun on your trip and bring back something nice, maybe one of those neat dream catchers," Integra smiled and waved as I was being dragged out of the office by Yumiko and Heinkel.

"Ve packed your clothes, so let's go..."

"...and don't worry Mr. Matt!" Yumiko smiled,"We got enough root-beer..." I slammed my feet to the floor and shouted,"Where's the mission, say that again?!"

"Nevada, in America-"

"And our plane lands in Las Vegas?!"

"Ja..."

"And then we go north-west?"

"Uh-huh..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...!..."

"...?..."

"...!!..."

"...?!..."

"...we're going to Area 51, aren't we?"

"...yep."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" I wretched myself from their grip and grasped the edges of the door frame; Heinkel and Yumiko grabbed my feet and pulled,"No! Never! I won't go! I-I have llamas to feed and drugs to water!"

"What's-wrong-with-that-Mr.-Matt?"

"Ja-vhat's-vrong-vith-Area-51?"

I started crying,"I-I...I-I....I'm scared of aliens!"

"ALIENS?! You haf got to be kidding me, Yumiko, vait in the car...."

One by one, she plucked my fingers from the frame and then carried by under her waist muttering,"Ve don't haf time for this, vhy is he flipping out on us now?...Besides, there's no such things as aliens." She threw me into the back seat with a large suit case banging my head. "Look inside that, Pip got you something in advance...vell, two somethings, really..." The engine started as I opened one suit case to see a Lee-Enfield (rifle, but that's as far as I'm gonna go with details) and a Desert Eagle Semi-automatic pistol (Heinkel carries this). There were ten casings and other things I needed that I'm not gonna bother labeling them. "All the bullets haf explosive tips, they vere blessed the His Holiness himself..." I sat there gawking at the two assassins.

"You expect me to know how to use them?!"

"Ja, your friend does own a shooting range, right?"

"...all right, I usually work with rifles and long-distances...I was thinking of leaving high school and going into the military and be a sniper...but what the hell, I figured something great would happen in my life...maybe like a 9th Crusade or something..."

"...then I von't haf to teach you," Heinkel sighed in relief as she turned a corner,"You vanted to be a sniper?"

"I may look like an idiot, but I can shoot off any idiot's head from 100 yards (A/N: What Matt is saying is basically true. I rather prefer a rifle than a handgun.). My folks say I got a good eye but I really suck at close-combat. I mean, I'll throw good punches and kicks and dodge things, but that's just it...no swords, knives, sticks...."

"Looks like we got an American mutt with us, Heinkel!" Yumiko exclaimed. There was silence in the car before I spoke out,"This isn't Hellsing anymore, look at us, I feel like Alice and Buffy...." A pause. "...This is totally turning into Resident Evil: Extinction and Buffy the Vampire Slayer...suh-weet!"

"You vatch that stuff?"

"Hai!"

"...I love Resident Evil...I haf it on Vii (wii), PS2, and Gamecube..."

* * *

**Heinkel plays Resident Evil?...doesn't she _LIVE _in it?! Oh, I am aware the game came out 1996, Hellsing's time line is around 1998, so Heinkel would be able to get a copy of the game..fun tips of info. just for ya...**

**This chapter begins the Iscariot Tours of America (ITA) arch, two-four chapters will posted on one update for this.**

**_READ & REVIEW!!!_**


	5. Iscariot Tours America: I & II

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing**

* * *

_"Looks like we got an American mutt with us, Heinkel!" Yumiko exclaimed. There was silence in the car before I spoke out,"This isn't Hellsing anymore, look at us, I feel like Alice and Buffy...." A pause. "...This is totally turning into Resident Evil: Extinction and Buffy the Vampire Slayer...suh-weet!"_

_"You vatch that stuff?"_

_"Hai!"_

_"...I love Resident Evil...I haf it on Vii (wii), PS2, and Gamecube..."_

* * *

Iscariot Tours America I: Casino Royal

"This place is more better than Mr. Matt's room!" Yumiko pounced on one of the two beds backwards in our Ritz-Carlton room around night time,"I got this one!" She opened the curtains. "Oh, and the view! No wonder why this place got 5 stars!...Dear me, the window's open all the way. Darn." She tried to slide it but it wouldn't go.

"Mine's the vone next to the vall," Heinkel called out from the bathroom, I finally made it to the door with their luggage wheezing,"That'll be $5, Ms. Takagi and...?"

"Ms. Wolfe..."

"Yeah, whatever," I collapsed on the nearest bed I could find; Yumiko started coughing out,"M-Mr. Matt! You're...crushing...me!" I immediately got off her and switched to Heinkel's bed and turned on the t.v. while kicking off my slippers. "Hey, Heinkel, when do we go?"

"Vhenever Matt decides to go."

"Huh?" me and Yumiko asked in unison.

"The Watican checked out your place and brought your bike, it's in the garage B13." She tossed me my keys. "Most of the disappearances happened in this wery hotel, you and Yumiko can investigate the fallowing area," she explained briefly,"Vith you vith us, our vork vill be easier since ve could split up for once. Call vhen you get something. Chao now!" And just like that, she was gone, leaving me with Yumiko and Yumie.

"Does she normally?" I pointed at the door.

"Not unless we got an extra person," she replied sleepily. Uh-oh...ho boy, I remembered the last time Yumiko yawned like that, so I instantly grabbed her shoulders and shook her shouting,"DON'T WAKE UP YUMIE YET! JESUS! I GOTTA DRIVE A BIKE AND I DON'T WANNA BERSERKER ON MY BACK! STAY AWAKE, DAMNIT!" The small snot bubble popped and Yumiko shot up with a snort.

"Huh? Heinkel split her pants again?" Yumiko murmured, I sighed and gingled the keys saying,"Wanna go for a spin?"

"What?" she was more confused than she was earlier.

.:Garage B13:.

I took the keys to the ignition and heard the engine pur, my eyebrows moved up and down"Huh? Sweet, isn't she?" Yumiko nodded nervously as the bike roared once. "C'mon, she doesn't bite..." A hand was offered to her and she slowly reached for me when we suddenly heard groans and other noises. I immediately stopped turned the key and pulled it out. "Oh, there's a mysterious noise to the north...let's go check it out!" Yumiko gave me her glasses and took out her katana, Yumie smiled,"Yeah, let's go see if there's something to play with. This is my first time in America, so let's see what kind of demons Americans could be..."

She instantly sprinted off and shouted,"Shima-EH?!"

"What's wrong?!"

"T-there's no one here!"

"Impossible!" Yumie started running as she yanked her glasses from my hands. Yumiko stood there with a blank face, that was my only chance to actually get her on the bike with me. With the engine roaring, my foot pounded on the accelorator and we took off easily. I heard more moans and stepped on it harder until we were on the first floor. There was a tiny problem...okey, big problem...fine! A gigantic problem. Over fifty ghouls wandered aimlessly, each of them had a gun and all were pointed at me and Yumiko.

I did what a man could do....run and scream bloody murder. This woke up Yumie and she brandished her sword; I drove past each ghoul and she sliced them all in one slash. Blood splattered across our clothes but this was getting too Resident Evil for me. I mean, I wouldn't be scared normally, but these bitches just popped outta nowhere and took me by surprise. We drove faster until we reached the parking lot and eventually the front door. There, guests, staff members, everyone was turned into ghouls. I stopped and placed a foot on the ground to balance us.

"Heinkel said she was checking out the hotel, right-?"

"Go to the casino and bar downstairs!" Yumie ordered,"And drive right in, I can tell that everyone's transformed into FREAKS."

"Okey, but hold on to my waist, I don't want you to fall off," I warned her, she sheathed her sword and held on tight enough as I sped down the strip of ghouls. When we were five meters from the glass door, I tilted backwards and preform a wheelie; the glass shattered and I immediately leaned forward. I turned right and we rode down the stairs until we hit the bottom floor where the casino and bar were. The wide area lacked ghouls and people, but I easily spotted Heinkel at the bar. We drove to her and we both hopped off quickly. "Is she dead?" Yumie tasted the drink that Heinkel had in her hands, she was passed out cold.

"No, someone drugged her drink," Yumie quietly muttered, I was still on my ride, ready to take off any moment Yumie orders me to. To my surprise, she hauled Heinkel to the back and then told me to get off. She tossed me my Lee-Enfield and Heinkel's Desert Eagle. "Be a bitch and kill as many as you can. Fetch our stuff-"

"Wait, can you drive?" She showed me her i.d. and sped off into the dark.

"Mommy?" I whimpered so fearfully, I cried. The ghouls heard me and came, my eye twitched when I found myself on a huge roulette wheel. A metal ball went rolling after me and I ran as fast as I could as the roulette spun around. I spent the next fourty minutes running for my life since the ball wouldn't stop. Yumie suddenly appeared on the scene and sliced it in half, I was at the point of fainting before she started explaining,"I got Heinkel to our room, she'd be safe..." She suddenly picked me up and hauled me on to her shoulders. "Everything's set so let's go..."

"G-go?! Go where?! What's set? If you got a plan, tell me Yumiko thought of it 'cuz I didn't know you were Einstein's granddaughter!" She leaped from floor to floor in the lobby area, dodging the ghouls and their hail of bullets. A card key swooped across the lock and she shoved me in roughly and locked the door herself. Heinkel laid on her bed fully clothed with a little teddy bear in her arms.

"Where's my ride?!"

"Would you stop flipping out and help wake up Heinkel?" I stood there like an idiot, she rolled her eyes in a frustrated fashion and grabbed the Desert Eagle from my loose hands. Yumie pointed it squarely at Heinkel's head the barrel pressed against her blond hair, the safety lock was undone, the trigger was occupied by a gloved hand. "ARE YOU LOCO?!"

"Maybe, oi, Heinkel!" Yumie shouted,"If you don't wake up, I'll blow out your brain with your own gun." Heinkel shifted slightly and yawned,"I...I...at the bar....I vas at the slot machine...entire place...vas flooded vith people...."

"Keep going..."

"There vas...vas a man...vearing gray robes....had...our markings...our cross...."

"A dude from the Vatican? Anderson?"

"Not Watican....or Father A-Anderson..."

"Who?"

"...asked me if I vanted....vodka....Vas good....until.....until he pulled out...a gun on me...we fought..."

"..."

"Eweryone ran....to the demons in...the dark....he vas the host...I let him go...."

"Did you catch a name?"

"P...Rolf the Pendulum....he does...Paganism....fifty kilometers....north of Area 51...he's not the host, but....he is the host...he just isn't...a wampire...."

"Hey...Heinkel..."

"...ja..."

"Did-did you win at the slots?" I asked, Yumie pointed the gun at me. "I just wanna know..."

"...ja....got...three 7s...jackpot...and in...blackjack...he vas counting cards..."

We heard pounding at the door and a young lady cry out,"Room service!"

"Matt, what the shit did you do?" Yumie glowed, I flinched,"N-nothing, my phone's been disconnected, no bars here..." The door opened and in came the maid, she was't a ghoul but I looked outside. The windows that were once broken had been repaired; slot machines clinged; tourists and guests went about their business; the front door I had smashed through earlier was intact; most importantly, there were no ghouls around. Yumiko appeared from behind, fear and terror in her eyes,"Something's off, I can feel it..." She gently handed me the Desert Eagle and the maid ran off in an odd matter. "...it's not...right..."

"Hey, Yumiko?"

"Yes, Mr. Matt?"

"Had you ever played the slots?"

"No...I prefer cards..."

"Good, we're checking out the casino..."

"C-casino?" she tilted her head to the side.

Within ten minutes, we were at the same spot where I nearly got killed with a gigantic roulette's silver ball. We sat at the bar looking around, Yumiko took modest sips of her cocktail and stared too,"Mr. Matt, you said something about a roulette? It's from French, means wheel..."

"Yeah, yeah, but I just...," I gave a heavy sigh,"Before Yumie went back to sleep, she was interrogating Heinkel....she...or he, told us..me, her, you, whatever, that the man was named Pendulum...I think of a clock, but why a name that resembles a clock become a giant roulette?"

Yumiko gave me a blank stare,"I don't understand..." My head shook with me muttering,"Never mind...hey, waiter!"

"Yes sir?" the bartender said.

"Was there a lady here? Blond hair. Messy robes. Brown shades. Funny accent...?"

"No sir..."

I sat for a minute,"Did she look like a dude? I mean, priest?"

"Oh? Oh! Yes! Yes, sir! Mr. Heinkel Wolfe, good singer at the karaoke and had too much vodka, went overboard a little bit, but yes. I remember him....are you Wingates and Taka...Tagoh...Tagaki?" I nodded and he handed me a slip of paper. "Mr. Rolf told me to give this to you, he wanted it to go to Mr. Wolfe." I opened it and read it out loud:

_"To Sister Heinkel Wolfe,_

_Thanks for the drinks, I highly appreciate them but not the work you and your partner Yumiko do. I also know about your newest partner, Matthew Wingates. This boy disturbs me and I wish that you drop him, kill him. The moment you read the fallowing sentance, you are under my control:_

**_Mein gott, Fraulein._**

_No matter who reads this, it'll still have an effect on you.  
_

_Good Day Fraulein,_

_Captain Rolf Nolastname of Area 51."_

"Area 51?" Yumiko asked, she turned to the bartender,"Sir, do you know who gave this to you?"

"No, ma'am, sorry."

We heard gunshots and people screaming,"OH GAWD! SECURITY! THERE'S A PSYCHO PRIEST KILLING US! HELP!"

"Not good," Yumie murmured from behind me as I got up, her sword was unsheathed and she immediately sprinted. She jumped the slot machines and used them as stepping stones towards the noise. I fallowed suit with showing my I.D. in order to keep up,"MOVE! Hellsing Head Household Maid comin' through! You heard me, MOVE!" I eventually caught up with Yumie to find her fighting Heinkel. She kicked away her guns but she continued to fight using her fists.

"Whoop! Chick fight!" I shouted,"Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" Next I knew, Heinkel pinned me to the ground with her boot on my throat. "Oh-God!Heinkel, don't kill me! It's me, remember? Matt? The funny maid you sleep next to?" The boot pressed even harder and squeaked,"Don't hurt me! I bruise easily!" Shit, I could smell the vodka in her breath. Before she landed a punch on me, I kicked her back and she flopped forwards. I scrambled away and turned to Yumiko, she was scared to death of watching her partner kill her other partner. "Okey, uh, we need to get outta here-"

"Not without Heinkel!"

"Well, Heinkel's being possessed or she's just drunk. Either one, she tried to kill me-hey, where's Heinkel?" I turned around to find that she wasn't there,"If she wants to play hide-and-go-seek, I'll play-"

"No, Mr. Matt, this is serious..."

"Yeah, everything's serious, listen, let's just go back ot our room and hide under the covers and pray everything goes away, all right?" She gave me a stare that was blanker than anything in the world but responded,"Okey!"

.:Our Room:.

"Mr. Matt?" Yumiko's muffled voice called out,"Why are we doing this again?"

"This is America, all super secret agents do this," I said, we hid under the covers. "Y'know, James Bond, Spy Kids, Edward from Twilight-"

"Edward's a vampire...."

"Shut up and keep praying...."

_"Our father..."_

As she prayed, our door opened and in came Heinkel and this other dude. He lifted both our covers and aimed both guns at us; Heinkel stood there like a zombie with her mouth gaping open and her head tilted to the side.

"H-Heinkel?" I stammered,"Is this Rolf?"

"..."

"I'll take it as a yes."

"Shut up and get to your knees," Rolf demanded, I did as I was told and so did Yumiko. I whispered,"_Didn't you complain earlier that the window wouldn't close?"_ She nodded as he tied her hands together with Heinkel's panties.

"Hey, Rolf, when you tie me, can you use Heinkel's bra?" I asked, he shuffled through Heinkel's luggage but said,"There's none."

"Training bras?"

"No..."

"Too bad..."

"Why..."

"Because I'm YO MAMA, BIATCH! GO FUCK YOUSELF, DOUCHE BAG!" I got up and shoved the douche bag hard. He tripped over Yumiko's leg and, ironically, fell out the window that was left wide open. I helped Yumiko out of the ropes and she looked over the window with me to see Rolf dead from his fall from the tenth floor. "Maybe I was too rough on the dude..." Yumiko turned to me and said sarcastically,"You think?!"

Heinkel appeared from behind us and I screamed, nearly falling out of the window.

"Vhere's Rolf? I vas talking to him just a second ago," she yawned sleepily. "And vhy are you holding my bra?!" She yanked her undergarment from my hands and tossed it to her bags. "Start from the top..."

"Okey..." I took a deep breath.

"SoyouleftmeandYumikoheresoyoucacheckoutthebarandcasinodownstairsmeandYumikowenttoGarageB13andfoundmybikewehearghoulssoYumikoturnsintoYumietokillthembutshecomesbackscreamingOMGandstuffandwedriveoffwhensheswitches  
toYumikoagainandwedriveofftothehoteltofindyouIdidsomepropertydamagebygoingthroughthisdoorandthenridingdownsomestairseverything'semptybutwefindyoupassedoutatthebarsobecauseyouweredruggedYumiepicksyouupandstealsmybike  
anddrivesofftowhereeverwithoutmypermissionIsuddenlyfindmyeslfonthisgiantroulettewheelwiththissilverballrollingaftermeYumiecomestomyrescueandslicesitinhalfandthenweruntoourroomtointerrogateyouyousaidsonethingaboutRolfsowewentback  
tothebartocheckitoutwegetaletterfromthebartendersayingthatyou'reputunderaspellthenyouattacksusinthecasinoandyouwereabouttokillmeandthenYumieknocksyououtsomeandYumikoranuptoourroomtohidethenRolfattacksourdoorandthentiesmeand  
YumikoupIpushthedoucebagoverandhefallsoutthewindowandyoureturntoyouroldselfandnowyouaskmewhathappenedsoIexplainit..."

They stared at me,"....and now we're here..."

"So Rolf's dead?"

"Yeah..."

.:Next Day:.

She took out her cell phone in the early morning,"...ja, ja....target's dead....Matt killed him....ja....ve get a break?" Me and Yumiko smiled. "Oh, that's great...ja...." She hung up. "Looks like ve're touring Las Wegas for a while before Chief calls us again..."

"All right!" Yumiko and I did a high five. "...I'm goin' to a club to see pole dancers!"

"And I'll go and pamper myself!"

"...ja, and...and..." Heinkel struggled for a moment. "...."

"Ah, you're comin' with me!"I pulled on her arm and lead her outside the hotel. "Now..."

"I'll be at the slots," she murmured and stalked off, I fallowed,"Hey, Heinkel!"

"Ja?"

"...how does it feel to be possessed?"

"...huh? Vhat?...?"

"...nevermind...um..."

"If you haf a question, say it and I'l try to answer..."

"...why'd you join Iscariot?" She stopped before we both realized we were outside of th hotel and were walking down a desert road. Clearly, this was something important.

"Vell...it's really complicated...wery complicated..." Her head was down and her glasses accidentally slipped off the bridge of her nose,"Oh, shit." She got to her knees and looked around blindly. I bent over and handed them to her, earning a mutter,"Danke." She easily slipped them on.

"I used to have a friend who's like you...she was the last person I talked to before joining Hellsing...level headed, calm, quiet....and kinda cute...Her glasses would always fall-"

"Are you hitting on me?"

"Uh..." I stopped my ramblings and nearly shouted,"NO!...I mean, no...not really...why would you even think of it remotely?"

"Nothing....besides, it'll make Yumiko upset," Heinkel and I walked on.

"Huh? Upset?"

"Don't you ewer notice?" she smirked casually,"She's the girl behind you all the time vhen you're at vork...not me..."

"When I'm cleaning? Nonsense! She's uh...uh..." I gave a slight blush. "...uh, watching me clean! Maybe she likes watching guys clean mansions!" She raised an eyebrow at me.

"Ja?"

"Yeah..."

"I haf known Yumiko longer than you, I know vhen she's attracted to other men..."

"But she's a nun! Isn't she devoted to God or something?"

"Right, but nun's can be attracted to others....say Fraulein Maria from the Sound of Music..."

"That's a movie..."

"That's an example..."

"Movie."

"Example."

"Movie."

"Example."

"Sure, whatever..."

"Vhy don't you ask her on a date?"

"D-date? Yumiko? What if Yumie pops out and kills me when we're trying to have a peaceful meal?!" She gave a shrug,"The last time somevone got hurt on date vith her vas me, Yumiko thought I vas a man but Yumie knew who I vas...and thank God, too, it vas really...awkvard."

"What, the date or the attack?"

"Both, mainly the date."

.:Spa Resort Area:.

Heinkel urged me towards the pool where Yumiko was sun-bathing along in a bikini with blue and white flowers, I bit my lip. Nuns...don't wear...revealing...things...I opened the door and went inside the enclosure and took my seat on a beach chair next to her, I cleared my throat,"Uh...Yu-Yu-" My eyes fell upon her body and I just stared wide-eyed. "...Yu....Yummyko...Yummy, Yumi...." I didn't even notice I was drooling.

I heard Heinkel nearly shriek in the distance,"ARGH! TALK ALREADY!"

"What Matt?" Yumie asked roughly,"Yumiko's been bothered by so many guys that I had to be switched out, did Heinkel split her pants yet?"

"EH?! YUMIE?!"

"No, I'm Virgin Mary....of course I'm Yumie!" She sat up and removed her sun glasses,"Yumiko, someone has to talk to you..." Her glasses went on and Yumiko greeted,"Oh, hi, Mr. Matt!...Mr. Matt!!!" She grabbed the nearest beach towel to cover herself, I could tell she's a modest person. "W-what are you doing here?" Her pale face went crimson red and she looked the other direction towards the pool. I gave a smile,"It's all right, besides, I'm not the one to stare...."

"How come you come down here, Mr. Matt?"

"Just looking around, there's nothing you can here..."

"You could've just went to The Strip..." (A/N: The Strip is the main lane in Las Vegas, it's like a main road where all the heavy traffic is)

"I normally go with someone...."

"Then do you want me to come with you?"

"Sure, yeah, that's even better," I forced out a weak smile,"Eh-heh...heh..."

"Maybe we can go shopping together? Besides, I need help with dollars..."

"Uh...um...erm," I slightly tugged on my collar and threw a quick, short glance at Heinkel, she gave me a nod, a grin, and two thumbs up. "...'key...?"

"Great! Fantastic!" She stood up and removed her towel as she waked towards the pool,"But we could go after I take a lap or two, is that all right, Mr. Matt?" My head tilted to the side.

_"Oh, the legs...they're better than Luna...and shit, her ass...DAMN!"_

"Mr....Matt?"

"Huh?"

Heinkel came to the scene, two towels at hand, she tossed them to me as she unbuckled her belt, removed her shades, and slid off her shirt to reveal a black bikini while saying,"Vell, vell, Yumiko, you're here and so is Matt. I really fell like going for a dip right now..." She did a graceful dive into the deep end and came up to the surface, Yumiko mimicked her and broke the clear surface while tossing her head backwards to get her hair out of her face. Oh, too much eye candy for me. "Mr. Matt, don't you wanna come?"

I stood at the edge of the pool, staring at them felt like I was back in the girl's locker room. My mouth gaped open and I gave a lopsided nod,"Uh-huh..."

She suddenly perked up,"C'mon, we'll play marco polo..."

"Yeah, polo..."

"Yumiko, vait...." Heinkel said quietly, she swam towards me,"Are you okey?"

Another nod.

"You sure, you don't look so good..."

Of course I didn't look so good because the next thing that happened suggested otherwise: I fainted and fell into the pool.

"Eep! Mr. Matt!"

* * *

Iscariot Tours America II: Leaving So Soon?

"What...what happened?"

My head spun and there was Yumiko sitting down next to me, her usual nightclothes were on and she was reading a book about...something.

"Mr. Matt! You're awake!" she exclaimed,"Heinkel's getting a bucket of ice from the lobby..."

.:Lobby:.

All the ice machines on EVERY floor had been broken, Heinkel stood in line with the other two hundred guests with an ice bucket in hand. Her patience was wearing down so easily, she had to bitch-slap herself in order to keep her hands from using a gun to fire a warning shot. Many people stared_,"Look at that woman, mommy!"_

_"Is that a dude?"_

_"I dunno...but why does he have fun bags?"_

_"Sweety, stop pointing at the priest..."_

"Easy Heinkel," she murmured under breath,"Easy, they are God's children too...Oh, Father in heaven, vhy so many vant ice?"

.:Our Room:.

"You bumped your head on something..." There was a knock on the door and a young man came inside with a video tape. "Who are you?"

"Oh, one of you ordered a movie, correct?" Before we could say anything, he tossed the tape to me and ran off.

"Yumiko?"

"No, not me, I didn't even touch the pone..."

We sat there for half an hour and got bored. She popped the tape into the VCR as I went to the bathroom and watched its contents by herself. The phone rang...

.:Lobby-Thirty Minutes Earlier:.

"HAHA! Those suckers!" the man cheered, Heinkel turned to see him shout at a t.v. screen,"HA! TAKE THAT BIATCH! WHO WON NOW?! I DID!" The screen suddenly turned black and an image of a well appeared. Several people looked as a girl climbed out of it, then out of the screen itself. The man flinched, but Heinkel knew better than this. She took out a Desert Eagle while dropping her bucket and kicked the man aside. She walked oddly, like a ghoul.

She murmured a prayer and gave a sharp cry,"AMEN!" Ten rounds were shot, but the girl continued walking, not towards Heinkel, but the man screamed,"NO! NO! NO!"

"Damn..."

Within moments, the girl gave a death stare to the man, his face was disoriented and his jaw hung loosely from the joint. People screamed and ran off in fright as the girl crawled back into the television screen; Heinkel shot repeatedly until the entire set was destroyed. A random staff member came to her side and handed her a slip of paper after everyone left,"Sir-"

"Ma'am."

"Ma'am, that was an LCD T.V.....you either give us $1000 or get out...."

Heinkel gave a frustrated sigh and rummaged through her pockets for her wallet.

"I only haf $700..."

"Thanks..."

"You're velcome," she gritted,"Urgh, that vas Matt's allowance, he's totally going to kill me for this..." Her eyes wandered to the lone ice machine. "At least the guests are gone..." Her phone began ringing. "Ja?"

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" shouted Maxwell, she nearly dropped it. "I HIRED YOU AND YUMIKO AND SIR HELLSING LENT US MATTHEW IN ORDER TO COMPLETE YOUR MISSION IN LAS VEGAS!"

"Chief, chief, calm down! You told us ve vere to relax for a while-"

"WELL, BREAK TIME'S OVER! ISCARIOT AND HELLSING HAVE BEEN GAINING CALLS FROM WHERE YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT A GIRL IN A WHITE DRESS TERRORIZING THE GUESTS AND KILLING THEM OFF!"

"I just vitnessed it...."

"Good....but why isn't it dead?!"

"I dunno, I did all I could but it vouldn't vork."

"Then try harder, use Yumie if you must!"

"She tending to Matt...but I'll try-"

Maxwell inturpted her,"Listen, we have a private jet for you waiting at the air port, you will go to Seattle to investigate the western coast line. That is where we traced the origins of this foul demon. She uses television sets to "travel" and attack her victims. Now go pack your bags and head out before any more innocents die. Amen."

"Amen, Father..."

.:Our Room-Present Time:.

"Hello?" Yumiko said, the tape ejected itself and fell onto the floor. I stared at her and we both heard a hiss from the other side,"Seven days..."

"Seven days for what?"

But the caller hung up and we both fell silent. Heinkel opened the door and panted,"Get your stuff ready, we haf to go to Seattle..."

"SEATTLE?!"

"Oh, and Matt, I had to pay for the damages vith your money..."

"EH?!"

"And Yumiko, they ran out of ice."

"EH?!"

.:Vatican's Private Jet:.

"Heinkel," Yumiko started quietly, she looked up from her magazine article of llamas. I slept soundlessly several rows before them; I just wanted the privecy.

"Ja?"

"Do you know why Mr. Matt fainted at the pool earlier?"

"Hm? No, not really," Heinkel lied,"Maybe he got too excited or something."

"He acted....differently..."

"That's how guys are."

"No, I mean....different, not mentally disoriented different, just....different."

"Did you tell him anything? Like, I dunno, that you fancy him?"

Yumiko shifted in her seat slightly with a slight blush across her cheeks,"No, I wish though...."

Heinkel gave a slight smirk while returning to her page....

"What? What's so funny? I saw that, Heinkel!"

"Nothing...it's just a litle American saying I learned from Matt."

"What?"

"...Vhat happens in Wegas, stays in Wegas..."

* * *

**I got a hell of a lot more, and they'll never cease...**

**I want five reviews before adding more chaps...  
READ & REVIEW!**


	6. Iscariot Tours America: III & IV

**Disclaimer: I don't Hellsing**

* * *

**Last time on "The Maid Did It!":**

_"Did you tell him anything? Like, I dunno, that you fancy him?"_

_Yumikoshifted in her seat slightly witha slight blush across her cheeks,"No, I wish though...."_

_Heinkel gave a slight smirk while returning to her page...._

_"What? What's so funny? I saw that, Heinkel!"_

_"Nothing...it's just a litle American saying I learned from Matt."_

_"What?"_

_"...Vhat happens in Wegas, stays in Wegas..."_

* * *

Iscariot Tours America III: Misunderstood

"I miss Dublin," I groaned as we rode a train for the past 6 days (our flight tickets got mixed up so we ended up in Chicago), Heinkel looked at me from her page,"Didn't you tell us you came from California?"

"And isn't Dublin in Ireland?" added Yumiko as she drew an X in a square. We played tic-tac-toe.

"Well, yeah, but...Luna was from France, she was a foreign exchange student, like me. I was born in Scotland, then moved to Ireland with my dad..."

"Why don't you have Father Anderson's accent?"

I sat there a moment, then shrugged,"It's like Luna...when we moved to America, our accents just...disappeared. I'm surprised Heinkel still has the funny accent...you're Japanese, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"No trace of kanji in your mouth, just British..."

"Well, I stayed in the Vatican long enough to loose it....give us an Irish impression!"

Heinkel raised an eyebrow at Yumiko's request, I gave another shrug,"Surely....how it go again...oh....ahem..._Ah find Sister Heinkel wearin' a thong, bu' thae image donnae fit me eyes...._Did I just say that_-"_The cross-dresser slapped me on the shoulder with a threat,"Do un impression like that and you vill find yourself hanging out the vindow again...this time, I'll let go..." Yumiko couldn't help but giggle.

"That's really good! Do another!"

_"...Sir Integra's got tae be thae most fawked up bitch ah'vee`er known!..."_

"Vell, vhat do you know, you're pretty good at that," Heinkel shifted her newspaper to turn a page,"American dollars are so pricey these days..."

"I got an idea!" I said,"Heinkel, why dontcha try speakin' with out your accent?"

"Eh?"

"C'mon....it'll be-"

She suddenly grabbed my throat with a free hand and held tight.

"Never mind!"

"Good..."

Yumiko's nose started bleeding, I was the first to point that out. She grabbed a napkin from the table and plugged her nose until it stopped. Heinkel's phone started ringing and she answered,"Hello?...ja, Yumiko..."

She took the phone, but then it started leaking out water, I gaped at her for a while and Heinkel's mouth dropped open as her shades moved to the tip of her nose,"You haf got to be kidding me..." Eventually, these phenomenons stopped...

The train came to a slow halt and we found ourselves at a station.

"Water 7 Rails has now arrived at Seattle, Washington," blared the intercom as we grabbed our bags and supplies,"please watch your step..."

Heinkel jumped down first and caught the luggage I tossed her, Yumiko was the last to hop down and I caught her,"Thanks, Mr. Matt."

"Any time...okey, so Heinkel, where do we g-"

"Maxwell booked us a cabin at an inn some vhere in the mountains, c'mon...."

.:Shelter Moutain Inn-Cabin 13:.

"Isn't this a cozy place," Heinkel murmured as she hauled in her bags and weapons. She turned on the tv set, but the screen was filled with static.

"I don't think this place has reception...the guy told us that, I wouldn't be surprised though. This _is_ a mountain."

Yumiko settled herself on the sofa and laid down with a sigh,"I'm starting to miss Mr. Matt's room again..."

"Oh, looks like there's two beds!"

She turned onto her belly and groaned,"Now I'm beginning to _really_ miss it..."

"So what?" I asked,"I could use the couch-"

"No, no, it's all right...Mr. Matt, I'll share a bed with Heinkel, I used to when we were little at Father Anderson's orphanage..."

They share bed, cute...Heinkel unpacked her bags, her hands shuffled through them as she searched for the Holy Barriers Anderson had given her before we left. I accidentally knocked over a bowl of marbles,"Whoops..." Yumiko got up, but I waved a hand at her,"I'll get it..."

"Hey, Mr. Matt, they're moving!" she gasped while pointing at them, they rolled across the floorboards until they reached the center of the room; Heinkel looked at us as we got on our hands and knees to remove the carpet.

"Vhat the hell are you two doing?"

"I think there's something under here," I explained, I pounded my foot onto the floor; it was hallow. "Heinkel, get me a hammer-no-axe..." She went outside, then she came back with what I requested for. "Stand back." They did what they were told as I raised the axe to the ceiling; it came down harder than I thought and completely shattered the floor boards.

"Mr. Matt, Chief's insurence won't cover for this-"

"Don't worry, I can fix it later-"

**"FIX IT?!"**Heinkel shouted,"YOU TOTALLY _SHATTERED_ THE FUCKING FLOOR!"

I shrugged, gaining a grumble from her,"Vhat a simpleton...."

We looked down the large hole I created; there was a well probably from fifty years ago...or maybe before the cabin was built. I took off my coat and climbed down; the lid covered it, but I shoved it aside. Yumiko handed me a flashlight as I peered over.

"It's got water..."

"Vell duh, it's a vell, vhat else could it be? A grave?"

"You wanna have a look-see?"

"N-no, not really..."

I climbed out and dusted my legs,"Guess we have to file a complaint...hey, where's Yumiko?"

"Outside, she vanted the fresh air. I von't blame her thought, the vell smells like shit...besides, ve could use some air too and maybe do some investigation in town and on some of the neighboring islands..."

.:Moesko Island Ferry:.

"Sea water's always good for the lungs, isn't it Heinkel?" Yumiko breathed in the air happily, we leaned against the rails, I was in between Heinkel and Yumiko herself. The cross-dresser tried to keep a strait face as the ferry bounced up and down on the soft, rolling waves. Heinkel gave an uneasy nod,"Ja...ja...I need to...use the restroom...urp!...Oh God..." She scrambled away.

"She gets seasick..."

"I could tell...why'd Heinkel decide to go with us in the first place anyway if she knew she was going to get sick?"

Yumiko gave a shrug and clutched her left wrist tightly while biting her lip.

"Uh...Yumiko? Are you alright?" I grew concerned.

"Yeah, yes I am. Thanks for asking though..." she clutched it even harder,"...damn..."

Now I was worried.

"Yumiko..."

"It's nothing, Mr. Matt. Nothing at all!"

"You're lying, show me what's wrong? Did you break it? Sprain? Cut?"

"Mr. Matt, there's nothing wrong!" she wretched her arm away from me as I tried to look. "Please!"

"Just let me see, if it's bad, I won't tell Heinkel. It'll be between us..."

"..."

"C'mon..." I gently took her wrist and rolled her sleeve up; I gave a frown. On her skin, there was a burn mark in the shape of a child's hand. "...who did this?..."

"The little girl..." she murmured quietly. "...from the video..."

"What video?"

"The one that we-I mean- I watched in Vegas. There was a girl with long black hair and a messy dress..."

"That's impossible-"

"Mr. Matt! I tried to explain it to Heinkel during the train ride but she wouldn't listen!" Yumiko started crying in front of me,"She said that I probably wanted attention or something...and Yumie? She says I'm insane for doing this to myself! But I didn't do this! Honest to God, I would never hurt myself or anyone I know! You have to listen to me, Mr. Matt, there's something wrong....and it's not me, I'm just being haunted by some poor girl!"

I suddenly brought her into a hug and her hands were on my chest as she wept harder.

"I want it to stop, I couldn't get a good-night sleep since then!"

"Shush...shush...I'll help," I whispered in her ear, she became quiet and held me tighter. "Where's this video?"

"...(sniff)...here," she whimperedslightly as she reached into her purse and pulled out a blank video tape,"W-what should w-we do?"

"Burn it..."

.:Moesko Island:.

Heinkel staggered behind us, holding her stomach, as me and Yumiko found a trash bin. I took out a lighter and lit a fire with flames larger than a bush. I dropped the tape and watched it melt in the fire, we could hear a drawn out scream from it,"Noooooo! Mommy!"

Yumiko suddenly took out my gun and started firing at it,"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" There was nothing left but ash.

Me and Heinkel stared at her as she handed me back the gun.

"Vas that even nesessary?"

"Perhaps..."

"C'mon, let's go check out the locals..." A random lady with a large bust came strutting past us, my head tilted to the side,"Yeah, let's check 'em out...damn, why don't they have 'em in Los Angeles?"

"Ve're going..."

.:Morgan Ranch:.

"Oh, my feet hurt..." Yumiko murmured softly as we made it to the last ranch on the entire island; she seated herself on the porch's steps and sighed. Heinkel and I stood at the door, arguing.

"No, Matt, that last time you tried to explain the situation, you made the family take out a shotgun un open fire on us..."

"Hey, it was your fault too!..."

.:Random Ranch-Two Minutes Ago:.

_"My turn!" I shouted as I raced up the stone steps and rang the door bell with Yumie behind me. A young man around Heinkel's age answered the door; his wife and child were behind him. "Mornin'!"_

_"Mornin', what're you doin' here?"_

_"Oh, ve-" Heinkel started, but I cut in,"We're here to investigate some mysterious deaths in the United States because there's a girl comin' out of tvs and killing off innocent people such as yourselves...we thought we start in the northwest and work our way along the coast. Do you have any anonymous tips for us?"_

_"..."_

_"No?"_

_"...well...what does she look like? I'll keep an eye out for her..."_

_"...ja, danke...She's got long hair, 'round this height, un a murderous look in her eyes, Japanese I think....haf you seen her around?"_

_The man gave a glance at Yumie,"This high, eh?"_

_"Ja..."_

_"Black hair?"_

_"...ja..."_

_"How does she kill?"_

_"Uses a sword!" I exclaimed,"And she loves glaring!"_

_"You sure she's not the girl behind you?" he pointed at Yumie, who was taken aback,"No, no, they mean someone else!"_

_"Get offa my property and out of our lives. Hun, fetch me my gun!"_

_"Eh?"_

_The man pointed his shotgun on my forehead, Yumie grabbed me before he could pull the trigger. Heinkel ran after us as Yumie carried me over her shoulder. Several shots were fired at us, but Yumie jumped and dodged everyone as I shouted,"NO! THIS ISN'T THE GIRL WE WERE TALKING ABOUT! YOU GOT THE WRONG IDEA!"_

.:Morgan Ranch-Present Time:.

"Yeah, they totally got the wrong idea," Yumiko said as the door was finally answered by Richard Morgan.

"Who the hell are you?"

"We're here to investigate some mysterious murders!" I explained,"Have you seen a girl-" Heinkel took a gloved hand and covered my mouth.

"Ve're from the Watican under His Holiness' orders. Ve are here to investigate some mysterious death and ve could use your help-"

"...I have no daughter..." Richard was about to slam the door in my face, but I wedged my boot between the door and the door frame. I struggled against Heinkel's grasp and blurted out,"We weren't asking for a daughter, we're asking for murders..."

"...oh? Come in, I'll fix us some green tea I got from Japan..." He let us in and we all took a seat in the loft. Yumiko looked around the place, then her eyes widened and she tugged on my sleeve,"What?"

She pointed her chin at a mirror the hung on the wall, I raised an eyebrow.

"That's the mirror I saw in the video..." Yumiko whispered, I nodded and got up to look at it. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Richard appeared with a tray with four cups and a kettle.

"That was always used by my wife, always brushed her hair every day there..."

"Your name's Richard, right?"

"Yep..."

"Mr. Morgan, can we look at the barn?" Yumiko asked, he stood there for a moment then nodded. We went outside and walked across the lawn and pass the arenas in order to get to the barn. Yumiko was alarmed again when she saw a ladder that went up. "That was in the video too..." I climbed with her fallowing behind and we found a small loft with a twin sized bed, a tv, and a chair. "This must've been an awful place for the girl to grow up in..."

"How do you know that this..._girl_...grew up here?"

"The lighthouse, the house itself, the mirror, Richard, the horses, the well, the ladder, and the chair...they were in the video..."

"...that thing's got you traumatized, huh?"

She stared at me and nodded slowly.

My eyes scanned the small area and saw that the wallpaper was chipping away on the corner; there was something behind it, I could feel it. A hand came to it and started peeling it off. Yumiko helped on the other side and we worked together; in minutes, the bare wall was revealed. A tree was burned into it, my eye twitched.

"I don't think Richard did this..."

"...let's go back to the-gawk! Hack! Splutter!" Yumiko began choking until she reached into the back of her mouth. She pulled out a long, black strand of hair, I nearly threw up at the sight when she finally pulled the hair out completely,"Dear God..."

"What the fuck just happened?!" She discarded the thing and started climbing down. "Okey, okey, don't panic..." We sprinted across the arenas and fields until we reached the porch. A drawn out scream of a man was heard and we rushed inside to find the place a complete mess there was blood on the walls. "You know when I say don't panic?"

"Yeah..."

"..."

"..."

**"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! WE'RE SO GONNA DIE! I MEAN, WE'RE TOTALLY FUCKED!!!"**

Yumiko covered her ears as I screamed for a full five minutes; eventually, I stopped, and we ran up the stairs to find Heinkel clutching her Desert Eagle and pointing it, she shouted,"Richard!!!" Inside was Richard himself, he stood in a bathtub full to the brim with water. He had many, many wires and plugs, he held one in his hands. I held Yumiko behind me as Richard electrocuted himself. There was a bright flash before everything stopped, Richard laid dead on the floor with a horse's halter and bridle around his neck.

"H-..H...Heinkel...what happened to Mr. Morgan? Why did he do this?" Yumiko whimpered,"Why did he die?"

"...I asked about his daughter, Samara...he didn't vant to talk about her...one thing led to another and before I knew it, I shot him in the arm but he vent up here. It looked like he was going to die anyvay..." Heinkel gently pushed me and went down the stairs, I fallowed with Yumiko trailing behind me. When we reached the ferry, Yumiko lost her footing when she bumped into me on the stern and fell overboard; Heinkel tried to jump in, but she stopped herself for some odd reason. I tossed her my phone, wallet, shirt, and coat and jumped in after Yumiko before she could be pulled under the current and ripped to shreds by the propeller.

I took her neck, her body was limp, and tried to swim out of the ferry's way. People looked overboard to watch as I struggled against the current and the frozen water.

"Urgh, c'mon, Yumiko. I can't do this alone....wake up...any of you..."

Neither Yumiko or Yumie woke up. A life-preserver was tossed to us, I grabbed it and held to Yumiko tight as the workers hauled us on board. Several people offered us blankets and coats; Heinkel sprinted towards us, I reached for Yumiko but her partner swatted away my hand and pulled Yumiko towards her.

"You bastard!" she spat out to me,"I saw you push her into the vater."

"She bumped into me!" I shouted back,"And why the fuck are you yelling?!"

"Because of this!!!"

"I just saved her fucking life!"

"No! Look!!" Heinkel shoved down Yumiko's sleeve to reveal the burn mark; everyone surrounding us gasped. "I know you did this. Yumiko told me the other day!"

"I didn't-" she pulled a gun out on me as I shifted closer.

"Come any closer and I von't hesitate to shoot you under God's name...Amen..."

"Heinkel, you bitch, I-"

The trigger was pulled and everyone around us screamed and ducked. I was frozen, she missed my head.

"That vas a varning..."

I slowly got up and walked towards them, her hand shook but she didn't open fire again, it was like something held her back.

"I know you won't shoot me....you can't, can you? You just want someone to blame, right? I've seen it a lot with Luna...I've been sent to jail, but not for stalking...my sin would be smaller than yours if you pull a fast one of me..."

She growled out of defeat and irritation and I offered a hand to her; she picked herself up and handed Yumiko to me with an added murmur,"I vill keep an eye on you...don't do anything stupid..."

"Why would I?..."

"...because you're a boy...."

* * *

Iscariot Tours America IV: Always Open

Yumiko slept quietly on her bed, Heinkel sat next to me in the small kitchen area making hot chocolate for me and herself. We were quiet during the rest of the way back to our cabin, it wasn't long before Heinkel decided to apologize,"I...I'm sorry for doubting you earlier, Matthew....I shouldn't haf done that...it's just..."

"I understand-"

"No, you don't...I haf grown up vith Yumiko and Yumie since ve vere at the orphanage, she vas like a little sister to me...she still is..."

"...you still didn't tell me why you joined Iscariot..."

"...vhy?"

"Duh..."

"To protect Yumiko, she vas enlisted to Iscariot before me by five years....Maxwell vanted her because of Yumie..."

"...what happened to your family?"

"I grew up vith my father, he vanted a boy out of his seven daughters, I vas the youngest..." Heinkel took out a cigarette and lit it and began to start her bad habit,"So he treated me like one. It was in Moscow, Russia, he vas German but my mother vas Russian. One day, I vas valking home from school vith my father, vhen ve got home...eweryone vas dead, eweryone. My grandmother, mother, sisters, all...vere killed by a verevolf. The verevolf that did that vent after me and Father, he stayed behind to buy me time..."

"..." I took a sip from the hot chocolate,"Then what?"

"Father Anderson came, but he vasn't in time to save him...he had to kill the rest of my family, you know that they turn into ghouls aftervards...a month later, I vas alone in Father Anderson's orphanage. Yumiko came eventually after her parents vere murdered by a wampire in Japan. It vas only at night time vhen I get to speak to Yumie...how 'bout you?"

I sat there, I gave a smirk,"I dunno 'bout you, but I lived a more normal life than you...let's start from here...when my mom died, my dad took all his anger on me-"

"How'd she die?"

"...stroke, car accident, I was with her when I was five; I didn't know what to do, so Dad flipped out on me...went to school, succeeded in low grades, I wonder how I managed to even reach my junior year..."

"Integra told us that you vere kicked out..."

"Yeah, eighth grade. He brought one of his slutty girlfriends to our house, she didn't like me...next thing I knew, I was sleeping in a train station in Los Angeles. A random guy took me in to his shooting range and let me work off my dept with him. He and his wife supported my schooling and treated me like a son, real nice folks....but they died later when some damn arsonist came when I was seventeen and lit the house and range on fire. I grabbed a gun and shot him, killed him right in front of a police station..."

"Aren't you smooth..."

"Uh-huh, they arrested me and I was stuck in jail for a while before some anonymous person bailed me out with half a million dollars. Later, I got an apartment for myself and worked at a bar to pay off the rent...that's my life..."

"The file said you vere framed for a murder...I've heard of it, the Morgan Murders or something? What really happened?"

"That? Oh, Richard King did it, he framed me. He killed Luna Morgan's mom, dad, and sister and wrote pentagrams everywhere. People thought it was me because of how I acted and of Hellsing...I swear, I didn't do it at all...none of it...."

"They call Luna the Seventh Moon..."

"There was a bus accident involving me, Richie, Luna, and Maria; Luna died through lack of oxygen when we landed in the river...she woke up seven hours later for God knows why-"

Before I could continue, we heard Yumiko coughing in the ther room, we checked in on her to find that she was awake. I sat next to her and felt her forehead,"Holy shit, your temp. is low-"

We heard static from the tv and saw the image of a well similar to the one beneath us. Heinkel took out her Desert Eagles and tossed me my Lee-Enfield while shouting,"Protect Yumiko, this is the girl ve're looking for~" Samara crawled out of the screen in her Grudge-like manor and staggered towards me saying,"Mommy..."

My hand shook but I fired several times, nothing. The girl grabbed me and shoved me away; she took Yumiko over her shoulders and staggered back into the tv screen. Heinkel couldn't fire, she and I were afraid of shooting Yumiko on accident.

"Ho shit, that's one bitch..." The screen leaked with water as me and Heinkel looked at it; Yumiko was tossed into the well, Samara went in next to her. I pointed at the well,"Ain't that the same one we saw here?"

"..." Heinkel and I turned and looked down the well in the middle of the room,"Ja..." We found Yumiko screaming and panting as she tried to climb out of the well with Samara behind her.

"H-HEINKEL! M-MR. MATT!!!"

"I vonder vhere she learned to climb like that?"

"MOMMY!"

"Who?"

"MOMMY!"

"EEEEEK!"

"Samara, Yumiko does rock climbing vith me once in a vhile..." We both pulled out our guns and shot down Samara, that gave Yumiko enough time to climb out of the well. "Now vhat? She's still going up..."

"Mr. Matt, help me with the lid, it's always open in the video..." Yumiko and I jumped down and quickly slammed the well shut with Yumiko breathing,"I'm not your fucking mommy..."

She panted as Heinkel assisted on helping her up. Her phone started ringing, she answered,"Hello?...ja...ve took care of the girl...it vas Yumiko's doing, not me...no, not kill...a vell....ve helped....vhat? One more mission?"

I groaned.

"Caribbean?"

I cheered.

"..ja...shark facility?!"

_**"SHARKS?!"**_

"...ja, ve'll be there, Chief....Amen..."

Heinkel turned to me and Yumiko,"Guess ve're going to Port Royal next..."

"Ar! Looks like we'll be headin' for some choppy waters! Yumiko?"

"Aye, aye, captain!" Yumiko smiled as I took out a telescope while Heinkel gagged.

"Urgh....no vater..." Her phone ringed again, of course, it was answered,"Hello?"

"Heinkel, that task is left for the Hellsing Organization to handle, but you can tag along with Matt if you two want to," Maxwell instructed them,"What's your-"

"Yumiko, Heinkel, and I wanna go!" I shouted, Maxwell laughed,"Sure, Captain Bernadotte shall meet you there..."

"Wait, Pip?"

"Yes, yes, Seras and Alucard are unable to cross water you know...The Geese, I think that's what they're called, are flying already..."

.:Vatican's Private Jet:.

I had a seat next to Yumiko; Heinkel was up and in the bathroom, I cleared my throat,"Um...Yumiko...about earlier..."

"Heinkel told me that you saved me...twice..." She rolled up her sleeve, the burn mark was gone,"Thanks a lot....no one's ever been this kind to me..." She was smiling her usual smile.

"Why couldn't you get Yumie to come out when you were in the water?"

"...to tell the truth, she's a bit hydrophobic...like Heinkel, only, it doesn't bother her as much..."

"Ah..."

"...but she gets over it in a while..."

"That's good, but Yumiko..."

"Yes, Mr. Matt?"

"Next time, when you have any problems, come to me when no one believes you...my door is always open..."

* * *

**Enjoy, mates....**

**_READ & REVIEW!!!_**


	7. Iscariot Tours America: V

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing **

* * *

**Last time on "The Maid Did It!":**

_I had a seat next to Yumiko; Heinkel was up and in the bathroom, I cleared my throat,"Um...Yumiko...about earlier..."_

_"Heinkel told me that you saved me...twice..." She rolled up her sleeve, the burn mark was gone,"Thanks a lot....no one's ever been this kind to me..." She was smiling her usual smile._

_"Why couldn't you get Yumie to come out when you were in the water?"_

_"...to tell the truth, she's a bit hydrophobic...like Heinkel, only, it doesn't bother her as much..."_

_"Ah..."_

_"...but she gets over it in a while..."_

_"That's good, but Yumiko..."_

_"Yes, Mr. Matt?"_

_"Next time, when you have any problems, come to me when no one believes you...my door is always open..."_

* * *

Iscariot Tours America V: Squishy!

"Water, water, water....Water, water, water...every...where...all over, Heinkel...." Yumie moaned hopelessly,"Matt, what if a kappa pops out?"

I turned to her,"Hey you slice up dead FREAKS and won't give a shit a about...but here we are, on an island drop off, and you, of all the Japanese bersekers in the world, are afraid of the water because of the infamous kappa?! Ha!...HA! HA! HA! HA! THAT'S JUST FUCKING PATHETIC!"I rolled on the ground with my legs kicking in the air. "Oh-ho, poor girls!"

"Shut up, Matt," Heinkel muttered as she threw sand in my face sd I got up. A wave licked at her boot, she instantly jumped up like a cat and I was forced to hold her like Shaggy. "Eep!"

"Get off bitch!" I squeeked out,"I'm supossed to be on top!"

"Oh, the boat's here...!" cried Yumie, on the boat was Pip Bernadotte dressed in only khaki shorts and a white shirt like mine, his hat sat on his head and a cigarette was newly lit,"Bonjour, ladies, mind if I pick you up?" I tossed my arms to him, he stared at them. "Ain't this the one I got for you?" A nod. "She shoots perfectly..." Yumie hopped on with Heinkel being last, she stayed on land. "What's wrong, Heinkel?"

"Uh, you can leaf me here...I vill...count coconuts!" Heinikel grabbed and random coconut, pointed at it, then smiled,"That's vone..." I rolled my eyes and grabbed her collar and hauled her on board. "NO! NO! NO! RUSSIANS HATE DYING IN VATER!"

"Russian, I thought you're German," I grumbled, Yumie added,"German? What about Austrian?"

"Either way, we still need her with us," Pip smirked as he turned the motor on,"The shark facility was abandoned a few decades ago, but Integra and Maxwell got tips of unnatural phenomenons going on around the area. Locals say it's just sharks from what I heard of...but I think they're dead wrong, look at this picture." He handed me a photo of the shark facility, there was a small, red object in the corner. Yumie stared at it, then snorted,"You mean to say Hellsing and Chief are flipping out on this one, tiny dot?" Pip nodded. "Oh, c'mon, you know this might've been a sea slug or even a glitch..."

"That was taken by some teenagers fooling around the place a few months earlier....here's another..." There was a gigantic tentacle wrapping itself around a pillar. "I took it...."

"...a giant squid..." she said flatly, unconvinced,"We're fighting against...sushi..."

"You _can _say that, but I'm guessing this thing's gotta be as big as Davy Jones's pet, Beastie," I pipped in,"Look at the suckers!" Beside me, Heinkel gagged. "Oh, it can't be that bad, I mean-"

"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND VHAT I'M GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW?!"

I sighed,"Yeah, it's that monthly thing called a period. It makes even the most kindest and prettiest girls bitches, thank God I'm a dude with dic-"

"Amen to that!" Pip laughed, he did a high-five with me before he stopped the small boat at what looked like a ruined building tha floated on water. Concrete wallds were shattered, fences and docks laid in splinters.

"This place could use a fixer-upper...." I commented, Heinkel clung to me as we got onto a dock that remained intact. "Heinkel, if ya don't mind, if I fall in the water, I'll drag you with me, so let go of me..." When I peeled her off, she jumped on to Yumie without a word. "Oh God..." Pip scouted ahead and opened a steel door and pointed a gun inside. He gave a signal for us to fallow, Heinkel clung to my leg as we went down a hallway drenched in water. "Heinkel, my leg's gonna lose circulation after this....I'm a bartender/maid/human, I can die, ya know..."

She said nothing.

My legs started to cramp.

Pip handed me a random pole and helped pry her off me.

"Jesus, is she petrified or what?"

"I think she's praying," Yumie said,"She does it when we go on water rides at Hurricane Harbor..." She shined her flashlight ahead, there was a small octopus climbing up the wall. "Okey, that has got to trip me out big time. Oi, Captain, take a look..." Pip's attention was on the frozen Heinkel who rocked back and forth in a fetal position murmuring,"Vater, vater, vater...." I walked a few paces and stared at the fish.

"Aw, it looks really cute to tell the truth. I'm keeping it as a pet..." I moved face towards it, my eyes went cross-eyed,"Hey little guy..."

"Matt, what the fuck are you doing?" asked Pip.

I suddenly proclaimed,"I shall call him Squishy and he shall me mine; and he shall be my Squishy...Come here, Squishy. Come here Little Squishy....here-la-la...do-ba-ba-dabi-ga-EEEEK!" When I got to close to pet him, Squishy's tentacles latched on to my face. "OW! Stop sucking me! Bad Squishy! **_BAD_** SQUISHY!"

"Baka! That's an octopus!" shouted Yumie, she whipped out a bowl of rice, some sea weed rolls, salt and spices, a chopping board, and soy sauce. "Tako-chan! You're mine!" She suddenly sliced up my Squishy and made sushi within seconds. "Compliments go to a former five star Japanese chef." Her hand had a tray full of sushi. I gave a scream,"What the fuck?! Squishy was my best friend and pet! And you just had to slice him up to make..." I took a bite and cried tears of joy. "...really good sushi..."

"Save some for me!"

As me and Yumie fought, our shouts and yells rang through the hall while I suddenly got thrown ten feet into a glass wall. The glass shattered and water poured into the hallway, Heinkel clung to the ceiling like a cat and hissed,"Damn vater! I vant a raise vhen ve get back!"

"So do I, but that's not gonna happen!" Pip replied as he held on to the bar, I latched onto his legs and Yumie held my waist. "Matt, what did you do now?!"

"What?! Nothing, the retard holding my waist started it!" The water stopped and we hung onto the ceiling for five minutes strait until we got tired. Heinkel took longer to recover since we had to pry her (again) off another object she was clinging for life. "Okey, I'm gonna find myself another Squishy..."

"NEIN! MEIN GOTT!" shouted Heinkel,"NEIN! I'LL GET YOU A NEW SQUISHY VHEN VE GET HOME! FOR NOW, LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE! THIS ISN'T FIND FUCKING NEMO!"

"Nemo? It could be..." I said as she threw me over her shoulders and stalked off. "Hey, you don't even know where to go!"

"Oh vell, I'll find a vay..."

"No, ya won't!" I spat back like a child. "Nya!"

.:Three Minutes Later-Docks:.

"Huh, what d'ya know, you did find you way out..." I murmured flatly, she instantly threw me into the boat and struggled to start the motor; Yumiko and Pip found us and jumped in. His hand slammed on the motor and we took off faster than a race horse. "Whoa, Pimp, my friend, why the hell are are we-"

"SHUT UP, SHAPE UP, AND GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!" Pip roared in my face, he handed me my Lee-Enfield and pointed at the shark facility that shrunk in the distance. "We are being chased by sushi too big for Yumiko to slice up so we got to get to shallow water..."

I shrugged and snorted,"Psh, this thing can't be THAT big, I mean, shallow water? What is this? Pirates of the Caribbean?"

Yumiko grabbed my shirt and shook me hard,"Mr. Matt, this is urgent, Heinkel, get you gun ready....I'll steer..."

"And I'll try and get the bomb I strapped on him to work!" Pip exclaimed,"...if I can find the remote...that is..."

"Eh?! Captain Bernadotte, that was our only hope!"

"Well..sorry..."

There was silence before a herd of tentacles started spouting up left to right; the three of us immediately opened fire at them but it made the giant octopus more aggressive. Yumiko was at the point of crying by the time we passed several sand bars near a random island filled with tourists on its beaches. Eventually, we made it to shore and jumped ship there. Pip suddenly held a pipe bomb,"Hey guys, I found it! And it's detonated!....oh shit! WE HAVE A BOMB HERE, EVERYONE, RUN!" The entire beach went empty as people fled to town, Pip, Heinkel, Yumiko, and I stood there playing hot potato with the bomb.

"Vone potatoe."

The tentacles wrapped themselves surrounding us.

"Two potatoe."

"Three potato."

"Four potato more!" I caught it. "HA! I WIN!" I looked around and saw that they left me with the octopus that had its mouth over my head. "Guys?...aw, fuck me..." The bomb was tossed casually into the mouth and I got on the sand, hands on head and knees under chest.

**BOOM!**

For nearly one hundred meters within the radius, fish guts and other fluids came showering upon me and the beach. Some screamed, some laughed, some just hurled right on the spot (include Heinkel with them). Me? Well...the smell was so bad, I passed out on the spot with ink covering my body. Heinkel and Pip sprinted over to me while Yumiko moaned out,"Oh! Mr. Matt's dead! Dead, I say! Dead! We shouldn't take him with us on missions like these! Kuso!" (note: shit)

Pip rolled me to my back and checked my pulse,"Calm down, Sister, the idiot is still alive..."

"...ja...ja, the mission's finished...vhat? Giant octopus....yes, ve, vell....Matt did it again..."

"I DON'T CARE! LISTEN, I'M ORDERING YOU SPACE CADETS TO MARCH BACK HERE IMMEDIATELY! WHY, YOU ASK, SHUT UP AND COME HERE! AMEN!...oh, and did you guys get me anything American?"

"...Matt covered the expenses of suviners this time..."

"Good..."

"And Chief..."

"Hm?"

"...can I haf a raise...?"

"...NO!"

.:Hellsing Headquarters-Three Days Later:.

-Integra's Office-

Me, Heinkel, Yumiko, and Pip stood in front of Integra's desk. Instead of Integra herself, there was Maxwell sitting in her chair with his fingers laced together. It turned out Integra was out in a budget meeting at a bank, I fiddled with my belt chain as Maxwell took three newspapers in his hands, th clenched them in vain.

"Since Hellsing is not here, I must do the yelling...as usual..." he took several cough-drops for his throat and cleaned it,"Ahem....Heinkel Wolfe...you caused a massive outbreak in Las Vegas, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"...I payed for the tv set, vhat more could I do?"

_"What more could you do?!"_Maxwell mocked her with a snort,"C'mon, Heinkel, the owner is pissed. Why is he pissed? His hotel is running out of money. Why is it running out of money? There are few guests. Why are there few guests? You, Heinkel, had scared the hell out of them! This is something I can't fix, clearly, this can't be covered!" He angrily slammed Saturday's morning paper; a picture of Heinkel being possessed and handling her Desert Eagle made it front page. "Get out of here!"  
She did as she was told and left, leaving me, Yumiko, and Pip.

"Ah, this one, I won't yell at. Yumiko, you were possessed, correct?"

"For a while, yes, Chief."

"And you fell overboard on a ferry.."

"Mr. Matt saved me."

"Oh? My insurance can cover for this, go on and confess with Heinkel to Anderson...Good day, Yumiko!"

"Good day to you too, Chief!"

Me and Pip were the last one there.

"And then there's you two....you set off a bomb in public-"

"Look, dude," I started,"That was a life and death struggle. If I didn't throw the bomb into the douche's mouth, we would've had a mass panic attack in the Caribbean-"

"Yet you actually failed to kill this...as Yumiko calls it, tako-chan quietly..." He rubbed his temples. "Since you are a new member of the Hellsing Organization, I am forced to go easy on you, but next time...you dead. And Bernadotte...get out of here! Matt, tell those Space Cadets they have a three day rest, along with you. Now get out before I change my mind on you fool..."

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**End of Iscariot Tours America Arch...'ave fun, peeps!**


	8. Art of Control

**Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece, if I did, Sanji'll be the only character.**

**Note: Kappas are ****legendary creatures****; a type of water ****sprite**** found in ****Japanese folklore**

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**Last time on _"The Maid Did It!"_:**

_Me and Pip were the last one there._

_"And then there's you two....you set off a bomb in public-"_

_"Look, dude," I started,"That was a life and death struggle. If I didn't throw the bomb into the douche's mouth, we would've had a mass panic attack in the Caribbean-"_

_"Yet you actually failed to kill this...as Yumiko calls it, tako-chan quietly..." He rubbed his temples. "Since you are a new member of the Hellsing Organization, I am forced to go easy on you, but next time...you dead. And Bernadotte...get out of here! Matt, tell those Space Cadets they have a three day rest, along with you. Now get out before I change my mind on you fool..."_

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Order 5: Art of Control

Our day started off normal as ever. I woke up earlier than anyone else, tried Heinkel's foot to the bed, ran downstairs, fixed myself a margarita with lemon and a hint of mint in it, ran back up stairs, cleaned everyone's room and then finally (around 12 o'clock) checked my mailbox in the storage closet. There was a large roll of money, I counted it as £4,800 ($6,911.88) and then jumped in joy. I turned around to see an angry Heinkel.

"Grrrr, Matt...."

A rope was tied to her ankle.

"I'm just a maid, nothin' else, dudette..."

"Vhatever, me and Yumiko are checking out a carniwal later at a local willage, vant to come?"

"Sure, I love carnivals!"

"Actually, it's a little mission Maxvell had us do. Sir Hellsing vanted you to go vith us since you vould blend in perfectly...."

I nodded,"I'm the only normal person in this house, how else could I blend in perfectly?"

She shrugged,"Ve're leafing at noon." And with that, she stalked away with hands in her pockets. I was given the rest of the day off so I went to bother someone. Anderson was found sitting outside in the garden, he gave a smile to me,"So, maid, Ah heard ye were froom Scotland like me..."

"Born and bred, sir..."

"An' ye say it like ye mean it...ye a Protestant?"

"...yes...sorta...almost...no..."

Anderson was quiet for minute,"Do ye believe in God?"

"No...I used to..."

He frowned and stood up,"Boy, what made ye forget about the teachings of oor Lord?"

I tried to walk away, but he grabbed my collar.

"Ah ain't gonna let ye be wit' mah two daughters unless ye give me ah guid reason..."

My eyes rolled, I sighed,"All right, my mom died in a car crash. She was Catholic, my dad went ballistic after that and never let me go to church. Last time I went was at my friend's funeral after she died in a bus accident, I nearly escaped with my legs still attached!"

The priest released me and stalked away,"Ah need tae talk tae Maxwell..."

"Phew...guess I'll go bother Alucard, a.k.a. Integra's pimp..."

.:Alucard's Room:.

"SREAS!"

I saw Seras sprinting down the hallway with several bottles of chemicals,"Coming, Master!" I fallowed. "Hey Matt, heard you did good on the missions."

"Gah, Pip's just boasting-"

"Last time I checked, Mr. Bernadotte was _loathing_about you." She opened the door and rushed it. Her poor master was strapped to his throne, I stared at him; the decorations on his face were still there and unwashed. "What marker did you use, Matt?"

"Sharpie, always keep it with me..."

"No wonder...."

There was a growl from the base of Alucard's throat and he twisted himself from his bindings. "GRARGH!!!!! THAT'S IT!"

"Meep..." Seras picked me up and huddled over to the door, she put me down then bolted it. From the outside, we heard Alucard roar:

**"RELEASING CONTROL ART RESTRICTION TO LEVEL 0, -1, -2, -3...SITUATION BS. THE CROMWELL APPROVAL IS NOW IN EFFECT....HOLD RELEASE UNTIL TARGET'S FACE HAS BEEN RENDERED CLEANED..."**

"What the fuck?" She grabbed me again and we raced up to the first floor. There, we found Pip, Yumiko, Heinkel, Walter, Anderson, and Maxwell standing around, discussing about the trip to the carnival. They say us, Yumiko raised her eyebrows at me and Seras,"What's wrong Ms. Victoria...Mr. Matt...?" But before we replied at all, we rushed them outside towards the main gate where the Wild Geese were training; we grabbed them too and sprinted half way to London. I collapsed as Heinkel demanded,"Vhy are you doing this?"

Seras panted as I gasped,"Alucard....control art restriction....released to....0, -1, -2, -3....BS....." Walter gave a shocked look,"Dear me, it seems that he has released his most powerful of his Control Arts....I wonder how Sir Integra will handle the situation..."

"Butler," Maxwell cleared his throat,"What does this....Control Arts mean?"

"It means we're al' dead," answered Anderson in the background,"When his powers get tha' oot ae control...well, say hey tae hell..."

Pip shouted orders to the Wild Geese,"All right men, I wanna have a barricade arcoss this road, make sure we protect Londo-"

Integra's car pulled up eside of me,"Matthew..."

"Yeah, Sir?" Everyone stopped moving.

"What are you idiots doing here?"

"Oh, nothing, we're just on a walk..." She peered over her window,"A training thing..."

"You, Iscariot, and the Wild Geese? I thought I'd never live to see the day that you all would go for a walk in the park...how's th mission going along?"

Wow, she never even suspected a single thing that was wrong with this picture...

"Uh, we're headin' over there!"

"Ve just vanted to conserve gas," Heinkel added.

"Shut up, Babylon." She was taken aback. "Maxwell..."

"Ahem, yes?"

"..."

"..."

"...would you want to go on a date to the mall right now?"

The entire crowd went quiet; Heinkel and Pip dropped their cigarettes; Anderson stood there with his mouth gaping open; Yumiko didn't know how to react; the Wild Geese exchanged looks; Walter gave an approving smile; I was on the ground laughing; Maxwell was...well, shocked.

"Did I say date? I meant meeting..."

"All right, we could discuss about our business with our missions..."

He opened the limo and climbed in, as they drove away, we heard the song Rockstar being played at maximum volume. Integra and Maxwell sang along with it. Anderson shook his head,"Ah'll fallow them an' make sure they don' do anythin'..."

"I shall go with you, after all, we did raise them like we were their fathers," Walter agreed as they went down the road. Only me, Yumiko, Heinkel, Pip, and the Wild Geese stood behind; Pip stared at his men,"We'll head back to headquarters and try and fix whatever damage Alucard has done. Go have fun at the carnival...and Matt..." He grabbed my collar and snarled in my face. "I better not find my clothes pink when I get home..."

"Looks like we're a trio again, Mr. Matt..."

"Guess so, where's this village?"

"Um, down the road," Heinkel pointed ahead.

.:Two Hours Later:.

We ended up in a ghost town; booths, snark bars, games, rides, and a Ferris wheel were unoccupied, none had entered this place in over decades. It lacked color.

"So much for carnivals," I murmured,"Where's the cotton candy, the bumper cars, girls with HUGE racks, stuff animal prizes, and th kissing booths?"

Heinkel gave a shrug until we heard a call in the distance,"Hellooooooooo? Anyvone there!" We fallowed it until we came across a kissing booth, I raised an eyebrow. "Ja, ja, velcome, fellow city people..." It was Rip Van Winkle wearing a dress, Schrödinger stood behind her with a jacket over his back. "Ve came Switserland, ja? Ve run a kissing boo-"

"Vhy do you haf my German accent?" Heinkel asked unamused,"Vhat happened to this town?"

Rip shrugged,"I dunno, but this was a nice base to set up the Millennium's headquarters that is down street-"

Schrö suddenly whipped Rip across the head with a whip,"Shut up!"

"Yo, goth-girl!" Yan shouted from out of the blue,"I need more bitches for my club! Where're they?!"

"Coming!" Rip yelled back nervously,"Can I interest you folks for a kiss?"

.:Mall:.

"Oh ho, Integra, it seems that you have a taste for fashion!" Maxwell praised his new best friend at Calvin Klein, Integra modeled the tenth outfit. "Do you subscribe to Mode?"

"You mean Mode, with Daniel Mead as the-"

"Yes, him!"

"Did you hear what happened to his father last week?"

"Oh, what?"

"I'll tell you...."

Somewhere, Walter and Anderson watched,"They're at it like two school girls, ah mean, look!"

"Yes, I can see that these boots are 50% off!" The butler smiled, the paladin turned around,"Oh, lemme see...ah could do some shoe shoppin'..."

.:Hellsing Headquarters:.

"Captain Bernadotte, I don't think we can pay for the damages..." said th Lieutenant, Pip nodded,"And the bloody idiot's in the middle of all of this...literally..." His organization nodded in agreement as they walked through the door and into the mansion which was blown into splinters. Only Integra's desk, everyone's personal belongings, and several boxes of cheesecake had survived the attack since they were moved on to the lawn.

In what used to be the grand hall/entrance, Alucard stood their in solitude, his gloved hands moving over his face; there was a large grin,"It worked! I'm clean! Clean, I says!"

"Clean?!" shouted the Wild Geese,"YOU BLEW UP THE WHOLE FUCKING HOUSE!"

.:Kissing Booth:.

"I get to pay!" I exclaimed, I slammed two random bills and puckered my lips. "C'mon, babe, don't have all day!" Yumiko glared at me disapprovingly and stormed off.

"Ah, kuso!"

"Vhat's her problem?" Young Schro asked,"Ve didn't do anything..."

"I'll go talk to her," Heinkel murmured,"Y-Yumiko!"

I shrugged inconsiderately and leaned over,"Hurry up, I'm gettin' paid for this..." Rip rolled her eyes and held up a Closed sign.

"...this booth is closed..."

"EH? Gimmie my money back!"

"No refunds, I can refuse service to anyvone...."

"DIS-AIN'T-AMERICA! AH-WANT-MAH-MONEY-BACK!"

"Tinker tailor, soldier, sailor...." Rip hauled out her famous long-barreled musket and pointed it at my forehead,"My bullet punishes all..."

I backed away slowly with my hands raised,"Okey, just calm down, lady, I didn't mean to yell at ya..."

"...VITHOUT DISTINCTION!"

"SON OF A-"

.:Mall:.

"Wanna ride the ferris wheel?" Integra pointed at a ferris wheel in the parking lot. Maxwell jumped with glee,"Oh, do I? I hadn't rode one in ages!" He took a bite of his cotton-candy as they ran up the cement. Anderson and Walter fallowed in close pursuit with their shopping bags at hand.

.:Hellsing Headquarters:.

"Hey humans, Captain," Alucard addressed the crowd,"Why the long faces?"

"Mr. Alucard, fix this place up, my insurance won't cover this," Pip said quietly,"Actually, if you add up all of us, it still wouldn't pay for it...so...GET YOUR ARSE TO WORK!"

.:Kissing Booth:.

I managed to duck in time to miss the bullet and then tried to make my escape as Rip went after me. It wasn't before long that I realized that the bullet wasn't going after me, but it was heading towards the direction Yumiko stormed off! Ho shit! How the fuck did the bitch know?....I paused for moment: Schro! His "I'm everywhere and nowhere" explanation had dawned on me. I took out my gun and pointed it blindly at where the bullet could go then fired; there was a scream and a shout, I sped after the source to see Yumiko on the ground crying and Heinkel in a fighting stance.

"Matt, you shot from around the corner?!" Heinkel exclaimed,"Ewen I coudn't "Curve" the bullet!"

"Well, I had to pull out my gun, I fired too soon-"

"T-too soon!" stammered Yumiko,"It shattered in my face!"

"I think they vent avay,, let's go now, this was pointless..."

"POINTLESS?! DUDE, THAT WAS FIRST LIEUTENANT RIP VAN WINKLE; SHE HAD HER BIG GUN POINTED AT MY FACE AND REFUSED TO GIVE ME MY MONEY!"

"Mr. Matt, there is no refunds in Europe..."

"...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?!" I pushed my sleeves up and tied my hair into a tight ponytail. (note: it's shoulder-length) "That's it..." My Lee-Enfield appeared. "...I'm takin' that bitch down with or without a fight...and I'm doin' this to rescue $5....TALLY HO, MOFO!" Heinkel and Yumiko stared at me. "What Thought I'd make up a catchphrase...it's gay, isn't it?"

"You think?"

"Yeah, just thought of it..."

"...gay-"

"And so the Huntress finds her hunt...vhat a pity..." Rip magically appeared behind me. "It vas only ten seconds long..." With lips quivering, I handed Heinkel my guns and ammo, grabbed Yumiko, and sprinted off.

"Heinkel, if ya don't mind, can you get me back my money?!" I called over my shoulder.

"I vill do more than that....under Pope Jhon Paul II's orders..." She loaded her Desert Eagles in a Matrix like fashion with epic music in the background, Yumie and I watched in a distance.

"Sugoi! She only says this when she's majorly pissed off...wonder what Four-Eyes did..."

"...In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, I hereby-"

"Yada, yada, stupid Watican shit-"

"SEND YOU TO MOTHER FUCKING HELL! HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY HOME AND RELIGION! RAWR!"

"This ain't gonna end well," I murmured, I suddenly jumped out from our hiding spot and did several hand signals. "OI, FOUR-EYED FREAK!"

"You speaking to me?" Rip asked, I nodded,"No shit...Heinkel, I do this...don't worry, I'll avenge your Holy City..." I cleared my throat:

"Ahem....**RELEASING CONTROL ART RESTRICTION TO LEVEL 0...SITUATION A. THE CROMWELL APPROVAL IS NOW IN EFFECT....HOLD RELEASE UNTIL TARGET(s) RETURN MY MONEY..."**

There was a long pause as I stood on the roof like a retard.

"..."

Nothing happened.

"..."

"...uh, where's my army of the undead?"

"Oh, I dunno," Yumie mocked me,"...maybe it didn't work because...YOU AIN'T ALUCARD!"

"Gotta point there..."

Heinkel rolled her eyes and sighed,"This vas a vaste of my time, ve're leafing...."

"Ja, and ve'll forget the whole mess, correct?" Rip smiled happily,"Come, Shro, Captain Hans' birthday party's next..."

"Yay! Cake!"

"I need a drink," grumbled Heinkel.

-Mission Complete-

.:Hellsing Headquarters:.

Me and Yumie came home (Heinkel went to the nearest liquior store), we found Pip nd his men sitting on the stair case talking among themselves, one of them greeted us,"What's up, kids?" Our mouths gaped open at the sight of the mansion that was burned down to the ground.

"What in God's name happened?" Yumie asked, I was speechless. Everyone shrugged as Alucard entered through what was left of the dinning hall door. "Oi, kyuuketsuki, (note: vampire) how're you gonna fix this, huh?"

"You tell me, at least the marker is gonefrom my face..." Alucard grinned while running a gloved hand over his cheek,"The mole's gone too..."

.:Highway:.

**_"WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK YOU!"_**

With the stereo on high, the entire city of London can hear them sing along as they pounded/clpped to the beat. The driver had earplugs on as he sped faster towards the Hellsing Mansion; when he pulled over at the driveway, he drove off, leaving Integra and Maxwell alone carrying their shopping goods. Integra took out her keys and unlocked her door and allowed Maxwell in first, there was a balloon in her hands as she entered.

"That "meeting" was the best I've had in ages!" Maxwell smiled, she nodded as she turned her head towards the Wild Geese and me,"Now about th paper-"

The balloon was released as she stood there with a blank face, eyes wider than an owl's.

"...work, oh Lord..."

We covered our ears.

.:Los Angeles-California:.

Back at school, Luna and her younger sister Rebbecca (Becca for short), a freshman, sat in detention in the old, boring history class. They were both asleep, but then they woke up at the sound of what sounded like a middle aged women screaming:

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY DAMN HOUSE?!"

"Talk about anger management," Becca joked,"I think it's comin' from England..."

.:Hellsing Headquarters...or what was left of it:.

"WHO-DID-THIS?!" Integra emphisized each work, making me flinch; we pointed at Alucard who sucked on a blood pack noisely.

"...what?" he murmured simply; she inhaled air again and prepared to shout until I yelled,"He was havin' a heart attack!"

"Hm? Vampires don't have heart deffects-"

"Shut it, Babylon!"

"Grrr...bitchin' Protestant..."

Heinkel suddenly arrived at the scene,"Vhat the fuck happened here?" She swayed slightly, her glasses were messed up; she was drunk. "I swear, I didn't do this..."

.:Seven Days Later:.

After listening to Integra bitch over many, many, many, etc. phone calls, contractors, and (finally), me (for no apparent reason); the Hellsing Manor was fixed up to it's original state. I was dusting Integra's office when Anderson arrived,"Matthew, Ah knew ye would be in here...listen, Ah wannae talk tae ye for moment..."

"Sure, just please don't kill me," I added as he stood there.

"Tha' day at tha' carnival, whit happened tae Yumiko?"

"Eh?"

"Had ye e'er nooticed she hadn't been goin' oot o' her room lately? Before ye lasses and lads went tae America, she was startin' to confess more offen than normally...thae subject mostly revolves aroun' ye..."

"Uh-hm...she has been awefully quiet lately."

"Ah think tha' she's gettin' attracted tae ye...bu' whit e'er happened at thae carnival is beyond mah knowledge...whah don' ye jus' talk tae her fur a second an' fetch oor yon' Yumiko, all righ'?"

"...uh...and I don't?"

"I'll kill you..."

I shirked.

"Deal!"

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**_"Kiss, kiss  
f_****_all in love!"_  
-Ouran Host Clup Opening-**

**_READ&REVIEW!  
_**


	9. Nuns Can Date?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing**

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**Last time on_ "The Maid Did It!"_:**

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"Ah think tha' she's gettin' attracted tae ye...bu' whit e'er happened at thae carnival is beyond mah knowledge...whah don' ye jus' talk tae her fur a second an' fetch oor yon' Yumiko, all righ'?"

"...uh...and I don't?"

"I'll kill you..."

I shirked.

"Deal!"

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Order 6: Nuns Can Date?

I gulped then sighed, a hand knocked on the door nervously.

Nothing.

Again, I knocked, this time harder and called out,"Yumiko...or Yumie, either one, but it's Yumiko I wanna see....I need to talk...just a teensybit, all right?"

"...(sniff)..."

Ho shit, the Sister was crying.

"...go away, Mr. Wingates...."

Wait, I expected a Mr. Matt, not a Mr. Wingates. What did I do to piss her off?

"...I have some cake for you."

Truth be told, I didn't have any sweets on me, not even a mint.

"...Mr. Wingates, not now..."

"Everyone's getting worried about you...okey, noteveryone, just Iscariot and I, but that's it....I'm goin' in and you can't stop meh...."

There was a click, she locked it but I merely chortled and took out a skeleton key. (Note: It's a key that can open any door in the house, Matt was given this as an access to **_ALL_** rooms...pretty careless of Walter to just hand it to him, actually)

Yumiko sat on her bed with a box of tissue, her cheeks were wet and eyes watered like a fountain. She sniffed in a shocked tone,"H-how did y-you get in h-here?"

"Girl, this is my room too, remember?"

"Oh, forgot about that..."

Clueless as ever...she took off her glasses and wiped them clean. I sat down next to her.

"Hey, Yumiko....why're ya crying, what's up?"

"N-nothing, I mean...nothing, yes, nothing-"

"Really, that great!" I smiled densely and got up,"Guess I'll go play with the llamas!" A gloved hand tugged on the edge of my shorts. "Hm?"

"PLEASE!" Yumiko shouted suddenly, I jumped slightly.

"Eh?"

"Don't leave me...I-...I need to talk to someone..."

"How 'bout confessing to Anderson or somethin'?"

"...it's different..."

"All right," I plopped down beside her,"Speak...I'll listen..."

Yumikotook several deep breaths,"When I first met you, you just seemed to be a nice person..."

"I get that a lot-" my pager started beeping,"Oh, sorry, Yumiko, but Integra's bitching again..."

A katana (sword) flashed out and sliced up my pager into halves; poor thing, it never had a chance in the world.

"...on second thought, I'll stay here with-"

"Ho, ho, ho!" the door flew open and in came Pip, I greeted him,"Yo, Pimp, what's pimpin'?"

"Oh nothi-hey, why's she crying?" Pip asked agitated, before I opened my mouth, he shouted,"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER?!"

"OI, not mah problem, you douche bag...."

As we fought, Yumiko gave a sigh and left us,"I think I'll go...."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, little missy," Pip said as he grabbed the collar of her shirt,"You an' Heinkel are commin' with me an' Matt to Integra. She's bitching around now so we are going-"

"M-Mr. Bernadotte, why does this involve Iscariot?"

"Erm...it'll be less complicated for us men....c'mon, we must not let her bitchyness wait...."

.:Integra's Office:.

After searching for Heinkel and getting dressed for the outdoors (yes, Heinkel and Yumiko are dressed as normal people, not a nun or priest), we dragged her up to Integra's main office and stood in front of the Queen Bitch herself. However, she seemed to lack that things that made her a....bitch. Instead of her usual attire, she simply wore a jumper and was clutching a small, stuffed dog. She mumbled words under her breath at seemed to be Pig-Latin. Pip explained the situation,"You see, Alucard, Walter, and my team are outside trying to gather up the llamas that went loose yesterday...and well, Integra's goin' through a breakdown thing..."

"Uh, Sir Integra?" Seras entered the room timidly. "What's the matter?"

"Oh! Ms. Victoria, just the little vamp I wanted to see," Pip smiled,"I just checked in with Integra, she's wantin' chocolate and says that her Super Duper Secret Mission is to get a four boxes of it...Matt's driving his bike into London to go get some. Seras-girl, you can show Matty 'round the block, right?"

"S-sure..."

I turned to Yumiko, a hint of Yumie flashed in her eyes so I pipped up,"Ho-ow-c-can I t-take Yumie-I mean-Yumiko?"

"Ain't she from Rome or-" I pulled Pip away from the group and whispered,"If I take Seras, Yumiko will go berserk without Yumie's help. I might even get into a crash on London Bridge if she stalks me around, Pimp!"

"Fine, fine...I'll just manage here, you two go alone-"

"NO! I c-can't be alone with Yumie. She'll pop out any minute!"

"Fine, Sera-no, Sister Wolfe, you go with them...."

"Und exactly how do you expect me to go with-"

Integrasuddenly shouted out,"OH, YOU BLOOMING IDIOTS, JUST GO OUT AND GET ME SOME DAMN CHOCOLATE FROM THE CANDY FACTORY!" We stared at her. "With mint, please..."

"Y-yes, ma'am!" In an instant moment, we fled the mansion and got into the bullet proof limo. Only me, Heinkel, Yumie, Pip, Seras, Anderson, Maxwell, and Alucard were inside.

"Alucard?! Who the fuck did you get in here?!" I yelled since he sat next to me, he shrugged,"Hm, I was taking a nap here until three Catholics, two teens, one vampire, one mercenary came barging in....where're we going?"

The window in front slid down to show that Walter was driving,"We are going to the mall to fetch Sir Integra's chocolate and a long list of other items she desires. Plus, we must drop off Father Anderson and Father Maxwell at the nearest church...that is near the mall..."

"Ho shit," I murmured under my breath,"I'm getting a feeling this wouldn't be a good...ride..."

...it turned out that in four seconds of saying that, I was right...

It was dead quiet in the small compacted area. Everyone was either playing with their thumbs, humming, sleeping, texting, or picking their noses. Anderson broke the peace,"So, Matthew, did ye talk tae Yumiko?"

"I-I-I-I-" my hand reached for my collar to loosen it since I wore my best Hawaiian shirt.

"Stop sounding like a pirate!" Yumie blurted out,"Of course he did, Father!"

Seras and Pip, who were talking softly about...things..., looked up with Seras asking,"Talk about what?"

"Ah, guid."

"..."

"..."

"...hey, guys, I gotta secret..." I made a gesture for everyone to huddle up,"Closer....closer....closer....great...I...love..._porn_..." Heinkel'sshoulders dropped with Seras's and they both sighed out of irritation. "Let's talk about it-"

"TRA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!" sang Walter, his voice cracked. Alucard started poking Anderson with his gun.

"What aboot ye, vampire?"

"I dunno, Judas Priest...**Releasing Control Art Restriction to Level 0. Situation A. Cromwell aproval is now in effect. Hold release until target has been rendered silent**...**_The Bird of the Herms is my name. Eating my wings to make me tame_**..."

I gave a shout as everything went pitch black,"AW FUCK! I _knew_ something would happen!"

All hell broke loose in the small compacted area.

.:Mall:.

Walter steered uneasily into the parking lot. His favorite limo had been totalled, only the engine, the steel frames, and seats were all that remained. When he parked it, the entire thing collapsed into ash; our attention was turned to Alucard and Anderson. I clung to my seat like a cat and spat,"This was my first car ride in fourteen years....thank you SO much for traumatizing me, you fucktards!"

"And I thought this was bullet proof!" Walter chirped in, holding a large chunk of glass.

"..."

"THAT'S IT, I'M WALKIN' HOME TO CALIFORNIA, I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THE MISSION!"

"Matt...you're talking abou tAmerica, you can't do the Jesus walk across the Atlantic Ocean," Pip pointed out, everyone (even Alucard) nodded while Maxwell and Anderson left with Walter as an escort, he returned a few minutes later.

.:Hellsing Headquarters-An Hour Ago:.

The moment I closed the door, Integra stripped off her clothes to reveal that she was actually wearing skinny jeans and a low cut top. She threw some make up on and then turned on her computer and typed madly at the keyboard:

"Yo, peeps! Come to the biggest party in London, drinks, food, and other needs will be served. Will last until midnight or later..."

She clicked her mouse:

"Send To: Everyone 16 and above."

.:Mall:.

"Jeebus, why's her list so long?" I complained, the list was long enough to reach one end of the mall to the other. "La-la-la, whoa! She wants us to buy some nickers!" Seras gently took the list from me. "Pip, let's go, Seras, gimmie the-"

"Give you? As if! Me and Sister Yumiko are going to do that stuff. Pip, why don't you find some of her chocolate-"

"Me and Mr. Matt will find the chocolate," Yumiko blurted out, I raised an eyebrow.

"Ho?"

"Um, okay...me and Heinkel will find the stuff..."

"Hmph, I don't get my fun?" Alucard asked with a sigh.

"Don't worry, Alucard, if you and Pip can't be of assistance, I can drive you home," offered Walter, the vampire and mercenary nodded.

"I have llamas to attend to..."

"Yeah, and my crew need more shooting practices."

.:Thirty Minutes Later-Outside in the Parking Lot:.

"Sir Integra's list says that her favorite chocolate shop is across the street over there," Yumiko said as she pointed her finger ahead.

"Yeah, yeah, hey, why'd you take me out here-I mean-why'd you take me when you could've went with Seras or Heinkel?"

She stopped at the streetlight and pushed the crossing button thingy. (A/N: I have NO idea what the buttons on the street lights are called)

"Maybe...maybe we could go....go on a date?" she smiled slightly, I stopped in the middle of the street.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Sister! _Whoa!_ Aren't you devoted to God or something? I mean, yeah I spy on you in the shower and when you're changing-"

"You do _**WHAT**_?!" Her smile faltered when she grabbed my hand and led me across. "Mass pervert-"

"_**THAT**_ is **NOT** the **POINT**!" I thrust my hand down from hers. "Look, I may be a mass pervert but I have morals..."

"Which are?"

"Never date a nun...._with a split personality that has the ability to turn me into sushi_," I added quickly in a murmur.

"It's just a date, what can go wrong?"

There she goes again with the sweet smile.

"Uh....a million things. Our friendship, our partnership, your Holy Virgin Powers? Something like those....oi," I grumbled, my hands brushed the fringe that covered her eyes. "Oh, you're wearing your glasses, guess you ain't Yumie then, huh?"

She frowned,"I'm thinking that was strait forward....wasn't it?"

"Yeah...."

"It's alright if you don't, I understand-"

"Hold it there missy, I didn't say that I declined..."

Her face lit up.

"Really?"

"Sure, we got only three hours though-"

A strong gust of wind blew in our faces, a piece of paper was smacked against my face. Yumiko peeled it off and read it,"My word, there's a party at the Hellsing Headquarters! You think we should tell everyone?"

"Fuck _no_! This, I gotta see....uh....**_YO, TAXI_**!" I roared, a taxi came to us. "Get in!" I pulled her in. "Go to 777 Highway to Hell Road!"

.:Mall:.

"There's really not that many people, is there?"

"Ja, und it's a Saturday too-look at this!" Heinkel stole a flyer from a random teen. "Par-tay at the Hellsings, no vonder....I vill not spend my veekend looking for shit, Seras?"

"Yeah, let's go!"

As they rand out on to the parking lot, Heinkel burned the shopping list from hell....

.:Countryside:.

"Yo, driver, how much longer?" I asked rudely.

"Ask me again, you two'll be hitchhiking...." The driver snorted.

We passed poor Alucard and Pip who had their thumbs sticking out towards the road. Walter held up a sign that said,"Hellsin gor bust..."

.:Hellsing Headquarters:.

"Ya'llready for dis?!" Integra screamed into the mic., nearly most of London's teenage/party animals population had attended the party...plus me and Yumiko. "You've all been..._**very **_bad this year...So, I want you to put all your mother fucking hands together! I got...My Chemical Romance playing the entire Black Parade Album, Good Charlotte, HIM, Muse, Three Days Grace, Greenday, Nickelback, Harry and the Potters (wtf?! you may say, but they are a decent band), Disturb, Korn....and...Michael Jackson!!!!...(by the way, you can go in my bad ass mansion, just make sure to clean up and I'll give away a million bucks)..."

The crowd roared with anticipation as MCR came up to the stage out in the backyard.

"Michael Jackson?! OMFG, WTMFH?!" I yelled. (A/N: WTMFH, what the mother fucking hell)

"Well, I guess this is a date to a concert, let's go watch it from our room!" Yumiko exclaimed, I stared at her long, black hair as they swayed left to right while running up the stairs.

"Oh, lovely, I'd sure love to _watch_from our room," I said with sarcasm, eventually, by the time we reached the hallway, I stared at her ass and nearly grabbed-I mean-reached out for it. We went in and locked the door. Did I mention it was night time and there just happened to be a power outage in our room?! Being as clumsy as I was, I "accidentally" crashed into Yumikoand shoved her into her bed withme on top. The faint light from the fireworks showed me that she was blushing. "Oh! Sorry, I lost balance..."

"That's fine," Yumiko whispered breathlessly, she started to heat up. "Um...can I kiss you?"

"Caniwha?" I cluelessly asked. "Sure-"

A hand traveled behind my head and pushed down softly, forcing my lips to collide with hers...

_"Score!!!"_ I cheered in my head, my tongue slid against her lips and met up with hers. _"...wait, oh shit, I just started a relationship..."_

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**WHOOT! Sorry I kept ya'll waiting!!!**

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	10. Never Leave Without an Escort

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing**

**A/N: Had to redo this chapter, enjoy  
**

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_**Last time on "The Maid Did It!":**_

_"That's fine," Yumiko whispered breathlessly, she started to heat up. "Um...can I kiss you?"_

_"Caniwha?" I cluelessly asked. "Sure-"_

_A hand traveled behind my head and pushed down softly, forcing my lips to collide with hers..._

"Score!!!"_ I cheered in my head, my tongue slid against her lips and met up with hers._ "...wait, oh shit, I just started a relationship..."

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Order 10: Never Leave Without an Escort

"VAAAKE UUUUP! MAAAATT!!! YUUUMIKOOO!" cried Heinkel, a fist pounded the door. "It ist urgent!"

My head spun, damn hangover. Yumiko was already dressed in casual clothes like a normal teenager (jeans and loose blouse), she gave a slight smile to me, just like Luna, and then left me. She bumped into Heinkel, who saw me get out of Yumiko's bed before turning away. I got in my usual black jeans, except that I wore my formal white shirt that Walter gave me along with a tie that was loose around my neck. She scowled slightly,"Mein Gott..."

While leaving, she said,"Tuck in your shirt you...." She murmured an insult in German, I ignored her.

.:Integra's Office:.

"As you know...." Integra started while sitting at his desk, all member of Hellsing, Iscariot, and Wild Geese were assembled. "...the entire population of the United Kingdom had came here....making the Hellsing Estate the first largest city in the world...in one night....We've all heard the term 'Rome wasn't built within a day'....but Hellsing's Utopia of Eternal Parties was built with in three hours...."

She turned the computer screen to us, it read:

"Hellsing: Population Unlimited  
England: Population 1"

"One hell of a party, huh?" Pip asked. "I wish I were here...all those boobies to touch." I smirked and gave a high-five.

"Pshaw! It was totally narly, dude!" I exclaimed, Yumiko blushed slightly. Heinkel caught her.

"Vhy're you turning red?"

"Erm...ahem," she managed to squeak out. "...(feeling a bit hot, you know, having it being the summer and all)..."

"Yes, yes, true, true....a random otaku has a request..."

"HAH-CHA-CHA!" I cried out loud and danced, they stared at me. "Wait, otakus?! Everyone, run away!"

"ANYWAY!" Integra raised her voice higher. "The author's decided to make this chapter a....a Crossover chapter....have fun!"

"Und....that vas urgent because?" Heinkel questioned, Integra pulled out her gun and shouted,"Don't try and pull a fast one on me!!!!"

"VHAT? Fast vone?!"

"You know what I mean you Russian-"

Integra shuffled some papers, she lit a new cigar before speaking,"Listen...well, actually, listen to Father Maxwell, he actually has the mission spread out for you guys..."

Maxwell cleared his throat,"Very well, ah! There had been several reports of 'Ghost Sightings' in Japan....mainly in an Academy in Tokyo."As he droned on and on, I prayed that he wouldn't say my school. "...blah, blah, blah, it turns out to be Mahora Academy..."

"MAHORA?!" screamed a voice.

"H-hey, where's Yumiko?" Seras asked.

"Must've slipped out of the picture," Integra guessed, everyone crowded around th small screen and watched Yumiko literally SLIP out of the scene.

"Where'd she go?"

"Hm....I've had Walter install cameras everywhere, pool, offices, dungeons, closets, rooms, kitchens, bathrooms (including showers), and etc...."

Heinkel put a closed fist on her mouth thoughtfully,"I vonder...."

"Wonder what, Heinkel?" Maxwell asked.

"Nothing...." she coughed, Maxwell had a suspicious look on his face.

"Riiiiight....anyway, I'm sending in Yumiko and Heinkel....Sir Hellsing?"

"Hm, Matt and Pip Bernadotte..."

"W-wait!" cried out Alucard,"Why those two idiots? Clearly they're perverts who can NOT control their hormones when it comes to a school packed with SEXY teenage girls...."

Me and Pip had nosebleeds.

"SEE?!"

"...hm....perhaps you're right Alucard, I think we'll just send some private agents.." Integra clicked on her beeper. The doors open automatically, everyone looked over their shoulders to see three teenagers standing there. "Hellsing and Iscariot, meet our three agents: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger-" She was cut off when I ran over to the three wizards and witch.

"OMG, no way in hell are you guys Harry, Ron, and Hermione!"

"Blimey, 'Mione, why're we here again?" Ron asked.

"Are you sure this guys aren't Dan, Rupert, and Emma?"

"Who's Rupert?"

"I can assure you, Mr. Wingates, that they are the, as you would say, real deal...now you kids, get over to Mahora Academy and tame those ghosts," Integra instructed them, they nodded and suddenly apparated to where ever, I stood there since I was coughing from the purple smoke they created. "Hm....instead of a mission I want you to stay here and have a break from doing missions for a bit."

My jaw hung open,"But...but I work and live here 24/7, I neeeeeed to get out!"

"There is one way you can get out..."

.:Hellsing Estate's Backyard:.

**TUG!**

"...can't believe I'm spending my afternoon with these...things..."

**TUG!**

"...I mean, it's not like Integra actually allows this shit..."

**TUG!**

"...God, it smells!" I shouted, I was in the llama pen of Alucard's llamas...with Alucard himself. He chuckled at me as I pulled harder on the little sucker that was stuck in the fence. It turns out that right after Alucard blew up the entire place a few months ago, one of his baby lamas managed to get stuck between a fence and a stable. "...why did you-"

"Get these?" Alucard finished for me, his ungloved hand petted a llama that stood next to him. "When I was on a mission in Warshaw with Walter, we got to visit a petting zoo for fun. You can ask him about it later."

"...can't you just die?"

"...not really..."

After an hour or so, I managed to free the little llama from the fence and handed it to Alucard,"Now what?"

"I think Maxwell has got a few thing for you to do..."

.:Maxwell's Room:.

"Uh...Maxwell?" I called out timidly in the highly decorated room that was garbed in red and golden curtains and other expensive looking stuff that I would never be able to afford in my lifetime. Maxwell was sitting at his desk casually going through countless documents.

Without looking up, he said,"Matthew Wingates, I need you to do something for me."

"...don't tell me it's llamas again because Sir Hellsing sent me 'outside' to help Alucard-"

"Llamas? Heavens no! Here." He shuffled through the oak wood drawers to pull out a roll of bills. "I need you to get several things for me-"

I stared blankly at the list, then spoke in monotone,"This is a list for your groceries..."

"Yes, yes, I need those done by tonight-"

"But I can't leave the Estate without an escort," I argued, even though I wanted to get out, there was no way in hell that I was going to go out of the mansion to fetch useless crap. I mean, why does a grown man need pampers anyway? The bishop looked up at me.

"Oh? Hm, I can tell Integra to let you leave for just a little bit-"

"You aren't my boss-"

"But I'm a guest, and since I'm a guest, I have the right to be happy and I won't be happy until you run an errand, alright?"

"....fine. Where's my bike?"

"It is currently in America but will be transported here within a month or so, you know how slow ships are."

"No, not exactly."

.:Hellsing's Front Lawn - Afternoon:.

I ran past Seras and Pip, both were feeding the duck in the pond. Seras saw me and called out,"Hey Matt! Wanna feed the ducks?"

"Nah, going out to town," I shouted over my shoulder. Pip looked over at my direction.

"I wonder why he's in a rush."

Seras pointed a finger at the front door, she giggled,"Looks like Matt's got a stalker." It was Yumiko who stood at the door, she went down the stairs dressed as a normal teenager. "Maybe he forgot his date?"

"If he forgot his date, then why was a running faster than a horse?"

She shrugged as they watched Yumiko get into one of Iscariot's private cars with Heinkel as the driver.

"Those two are going to start trouble, I can feel it," grumbled Pip, he took Seras's hand and ran over to the car that was getting ready to leave. (note: everyone's dressed up like normal people) He jumped in front of the hood to stop Heinkel. "Oi, Ms. Wolfe, mind if we hitch a ride?"

"No, not at all," Heinkel replied after rolling down her window,"vhy are you two going with us?"

"Nothing much, just want to make sure you two don't cause trouble in London...why're you going into town?"

"....Maxwell ordered us to keep watch over Mr. Matt-"

"Either that or you're stalking him," laughed Seras as Heinkel drove off down the road towards London.

.:Somewhere In London - Evening:.

"Wow, this place is bigger than the movies!" I exclaimed, looking up at the statue in the middle of the municipal park, I failed to pay attention to where I was going. There was a slight chuckle from behind me, I turned around to find that Rip Van Winkle and Luke Valentine were behind me. "Oh...hi."

"Ja, this place is wery different from movies," Rip nodded her head in agreement,"you look familiar..."

"...I'm the guy that tried to pull the Alucard thing on you-"

"...that's right! Ja, I forgot to give you your money back, so here," she handed me my five bucks,"sorry, I vas in a rush for a Captain's party."

"Uh-huh. So I'm Matthew Wingates," I introduced myself,"I meant to make an intro earlier but hey...eh-heh."

Luke extended his hand to me and I took his to shake,"I am Luke Valentine, it's nice to meet you, Matthew."

"Yes, and my name Rin Van Winkle."

"...right."

I never expected Millennium members to be so....well-mannered. I always pictured them as blood-lusting, artificial, war fanatical, Nazi vampire but at least they got some sort of proper etiquette. Hm, it turns out that Hellsing characters can ACT normal when the situation calls for it, especially when there is a random person placed into their small world.

Well, I'm getting bored of this, let's spice up my life a bit and do something...drastic. I want something fun to happen!

I decided to do the most stupidest thing,"I work for the Hellsing Organization-"

The second I said "Hellsing", Rip and Luke pounced be so suddenly, I was knocked out.

From a large distance away, Heinkel, Pip, Seras, and Yumiko were joking with each other. Yumiko took a sip from her coffee,"....so that's what happened to Heinkel! She was afraid with water ever since!"

Pip's chuckles filled the cafe,"Oh, now that's embarrassing!"

"Ha, ha, wery funny, wait until I say what Yumiko did when she was drunk," retorted Heinkel.

"I wonder where Matt is," Seras said, they all shrugged.

"Beats me, it wouldn't be surprising if he got kidnapped," snorted Pip. They were quiet for a second, then they suddenly burst into laughter. However, outside on the curb in front of the cafe they were at, they failed to notice Rip and Luke throwing my body into the back of their car and driving off.

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